My Support Forums - View Single Post - confessions on the keyboard... why I chose the path I did...

venusss · Oct 16, 2011, 04:47 PM

Forgive if I sound somehow incoherent. Venus is bit manicky at the moment... and outta here (as if space and time could be defined!).

I guess it was lack of effort... a reason why I walked out of the office of certain therapist whom I seen for "help" after my breakdown in first semester of Uni. Could not handle stress well back then.... and I still can't. Her suggestion about giving me referal to a pdoc, trial and error route to get "better"... I asked if it will not interfere with my studies. I need my memory, yadda, yadda. When she hinted maybe uni is not for me, I was out.

was gonna to do it on my own. I had not time to trial and error and messing with my mind. I was always quirky, maybe too much, but I managed, I was gonna manage again.

it took me one extra year to finish my bachelor's. Maybe i just chosen wrong studies... English department had triggered my anxiety to sky high levels and I am still dealing with that. But I have done it.

One year in Prague, trying to find a job in midst of economic crisis... the less is said the better. After all I joined PC during this time, when I realized sitting on window in 7th floor or being fascinated by both Prague's castle mainly for the reason they have real tall walls... is not really good.

well, I started to rediscover my spirituality somehow during that time... It was always there... my mom is a new ager budhist after all (and she was always somehow unsettled in her life and life goals... maybe that is why I am the way I am?)... but there were times I tried to become the good homo capitalist who strives nice office job and weekend house and vacation in Dalmatia... what was I thinking? I spend few night wandering around streets of Prague in night (with my camera and tripod... but manically for sure. Good girls sleep at night. Good people use the first morning train to go to work, not to go home). I started to feel interconnected with the world again... for good and bad.

somehow i got accepted to master's programe... had year of almost stability in Brno.

I am not gonna pretend to be perfectly fine right now. I am anxious and over the edge about my last year of school, unsure about my life goals (sure, I wanna be a do-gooder... but that is a lot of stress and risk factors. I guess that attract me though a bit... the thought of burning bright and beautifully). I am not sure about my relationships (yes, I have friends and few real great people in my life.... but... I am still afraid and unsure. I am not good with people. I bit of nerd after all). I am not sure about where I wanna live (besides wanting to try living in some "bad" place for a while... being do-gooder and all).

I am not sure if I can keep stable and tbh, at the moment I don't care. I always had the self-destructive edge in me and I cannot help myself, but I find it quite endearing....

Maybe I am bit scared of normalcy, because I view it as somehow decandent (there was some greek philosopher who said stability is death...). I am afraid of losing my spirituality. I am afraid of losing myself.

But I don't want to waste this existence. I want to matter. Sow seeds. Help people. Make a difference. (and freedom and love and world peace.... ).

I am not even asking for anybody to relate. I just needed to get this out.

(no, I did not proofread it. Because I am so Kerouac tonight. On organic herbal tea that is supposed to calm me down, except it does not work).