Dear T,

I have barely thought about therapy, or my problems or about you today! Hardly at all! Yippee! The reason why is because I was at a gymnastics meet with my dd the entire day and I was focused on HER and not on myself. It was pure bliss, let me tell you, BLISS! Just plain awesome.

But now....now that I'm home, and it's getting dark and cold and quiet outside, my mind is starting to wander again. And I'm feeling kind of sad and regretful that I didn't "carry you with me" today. I want to believe that I'm sad and regretful because I'm making progress and am naturally separating from you and therapy, but I know that's not why. Way down deep inside, I know that it's because I was so involved in dd's meet and I know I'm using that as an excuse to avoid it all; and that makes me sad and disappointed.....in myself.

I've been doing a lot of deep thinking lately, and something dawned on me. It occurred to me that I don't trust you yet because you are the FIRST person in my life EVER where our relationship is based solely on trust and honesty and accountability from day one. Therapy is literally forcing me to do "life" the "real" way. The "normal" way. The way it's supposed to be and the way it was supposed to be all along. But for some wonky reason, my life fell into the lap of two irresponsible and emotionally empty adults who didn't teach me jack. It saddens me deeply that I'm an adult now and I'm just learning this. And knowing it in my head isn't even the hardest part. The hardest part is feeling what has been missing from my life this whole time physically, mostly through anxiety. I literally feel an ache in my gut; an honest to goodness physical reaction from realizing the loss. How long will this last? When will that awful ache go away? I think I'm finally realizing what it means to "process" the pain and hurt, and I don't like it.

I do plan on talking to you about this stuff in session this week, just so ya know. But I'm not sure what good it will do. I don't even know what the point is. Telling you while you look at me with your calming and accepting ways just highlights everything that's missing in my life; and that's part of what makes me feel worse.....knowing that I can't have more right now. Not in therapy from you, not anywhere from anyone. And then you know what? I'll be right back to square one with an order of hurt and a side order of sadness and depression.

When does this end?