Dalila,
I know that pressure. Things begin spinning through my head faster and faster, I try to block them out but I can't stop thinking of them so I start thinking of the only way that I know that will make the thoughts and emotions go away then I start obsessing about those thoughts on how I shouldn't hurt myself but how much I want to too and how good it will feel after it is done and how well I will sleep but I am in a constant fight because I know I shouldn't do it because it isn't good for me and the sleep is only temporary and the relief is only temporary and it is all so stupid and I don't want to have to explain it and I feel like a freak and thoughts start screaming through my head and I just want it all to SHUT UP! and then it is done and all is quiet and I feel fine again, guilty, ashamed but fine. Then that guilt and shame just gets added to the pile so that next time I just have a little more fuel for the fire when the whole thing starts again. I am tired of it. I am tired of the whole pile of garbage that is SI. I just want to put it on the curb and have the city trucks come take it away forever but unfortunately it isn't that easy.
Carrie