Welcome to the site and thank you Nick for sharing your feelings.

I've suffered from depressive episodes off and on since childhood and a few things jump out from what you've said. Alcohol is a depressant and will not long term help your depression. It will work to make it worse. Depression can produce insomnia or excessive sleepiness depending on the person. Do you drink to get sleep?

Either way, you have had thoughts of suicide. My recommendation would be to abandon the alcohol altogether and find a general practitioner who can prescribe entry level anti-depressants (SSRIs). Some GPs will prescribe easier than others---you don't have to see a psychiatrist to get them. In speaking to the GP--you would have to let them know how your depression is progressing and that you want to stop it. There are also mild prescription sleep aids that you could be given short term.

From my experience with depression, suicidal thoughts are frequent---but sometimes they are stronger than others. Be aware that this is the effect of this disease on your emotions and thoughts---on the biochemistry of your brain. The medications work on correcting this. I am 47 and I take SSRIs to fend off the depression then I get back to the work of trying to improve my life. When depressed---I can't do anything. It seems from your post that your feelings of depression have been slowly building to where you are. I would not hesitate to call one of the hotlines JUST TO TALK.

You seemed to be worrying alot about the relationship with your girlfriend. I think that when depression hits and when we seem needy for unknown reasons that this does put a strain on our relationships. She might not suspect the severity of what you are going through. It seems you are holding all this in. Another member here had an excellent response regarding depression and how others sometimes are affected by it---I'll try to find it and send it to you--it might pertain to your relationship.

You didn't elaborate on your family. Are they close? Are they supportive/understanding?