((Melissa)) I'm sorry that the high didn't last long. I think that what you truly want is to be somewhere between high and low, with control over how much you get done and when you do it. ("stability")

I hope you can see your pdoc soon, and I'm really, really glad that you've decided that suicide is not an option. I've had a similar realization recently as well. Good luck dealing with those thoughts. I never became addicted to self-harm (tried it a few times to see if it would help the pain; it didn't, so I stopped). Sometimes, when I'm really upset I take a pen and write on my stomach (so that other people can't see what I'm writing). Somehow, writing what I'm feeling, and on my body nonetheless, helps to make it seem more "real". Then I feel better able to cope with it.