I was manic from May to Sept. During this time I craved nothing except stability. All through Sept to about two weeks I ago, I spent my time shifting between depressed, flat and hypo. The last two weeks I have felt fairly, not completely stable, but in the best place I have been since May.

However now I am completely craving hypo or just plain mania. Like really really bad, desperately bad. Like go off all my meds bad. Or not sleep bad, which for me is always a sure fire trigger. Mania is never fun for me, I end up very psychotic every time. It used to be fun, very fun.

I am just wondering what the heck is wrong with me. Why am I so self destructful. I am never stable for very long, why can't I just enjoy it. It feels so flat, so boring, so mundane, and basically it just feels wrong, not right. It doesn't feel like me. And I just want to feel alive. Is stable not feeling alive? It's just such a strong pull inside myself, I don't know what to do about it, It's really uncomfortable and I just want to feel good, I am know I am in trouble with this thinking. But ultimately I don't feel good like this, and I want to feel good, or great, and alive, and would pretty much give anything to get it.