Hi all.
I have a slight problem that came up a few months ago and caused me to look deep within myself and my relationship with my wife and seems to have fixed itself ok but I get the odd bouts in my head that I try to fight off sometimes, it was hard at first but managed to have these negative feelings under control if they crop up.
To cut a long story short and brief insight to the problem, Me and my wife, in our 30s been together for over 12 years now and married in the last 3 and we have 3 beautiful children. When we first met we hit it off straight away and got physical quite quickly and we have had a wonderful relationship ever since with the usual ups and downs as you do and we always got through them. Back then my wife asked how many people I slept with and I said 2(which includes my wife) and she said 3(not including me), overtime it increased as she didnt want to shock me at first and eventually it was nearer 10. Now I didn't have too much of an issue with it back then although I rather she would have been more honest with the number from the start but I can understand why maybe she did. She also mentioned once she gave oral sex to 2 other people and one of them was another race(I won't say what race for not sounding offensive or racist). She said the odd thing or two over time that led me to think if any thing happened further but I thought it could just be me being paronoid and jealous and is that her intention to make me jealous. Then one time she said nothing did happen between her and him.(I'm took it as nothing more initimate) The irony is I have been friends with many people of this particular race and the culture but have an issue of my wife being intimate with them and I'm of mixed race and the only other person I have slept with is of another race also. I think one reason is that when I was young and having not much luck with women I would get along fine with women but it would be just friends and then they would go out with people of this particular race and one of my ex girlfriends dumped me and said she would never go out with someone of this particular race and soon after dumping me did start going out with one.
After being dumped I didnt even get initimate with another woman for about 2 years, I think my confidence was low and having not much luck meeting any, giving out wrong signals. I recently checked up on this and it is called involuntary celibacey or incel and so I was celibate involuntary, I didnt want to be.
Anyway, recently it came up more my fault although she started it about my sexual partner from my past and I snapped back saying but you went with this particaular person as mentioned above. Then she laughed briefly then that was it but I was getting bit jealous and thinking maybe something did happened more initmately then a week later it came up again somehow and she said she hasnt shagged this race of people whilst being with me, but maybe or probably did before she met me. Hearing that I felt very jealous but concerned thing she was lying all along for whatever reason but that I had an inkling that I was maybe right in what I was thinking perhaps.
But then my reaction being overly jealous started causing a strain over the next few days. She did say few days later that she hasn't shagged anyone of this particular race. Maybe It was like a test to see how jealous I would get and I got very jealous. My fault for obssesing over it too much. She was even considering breaking up at one point. I felt better when she said this and over next few weeks we had this sudden recharge of happiness into our relationship and like the spark reignited and very passionate. I think we could have been taking each other for granted for a while.
Recently I been checking up what could be wrong with me as I feel that all this is to do with me, the only thing is that she kind of caused the trigger in me. I did find that what I may have is called retro-active jealousy and I think I do in a way, when I did a bit of researched the jealousy kicked in but not about the person I have been talking about above but of some of her other men she has been with that never really bothered me before. I also think that maybe i have pure-o as I can be a bit of an obsessive deep thinker and this is one reason for me being overly jealous. I know most of it is down to me and not my wife and maybe I was being a bit unfair on her. Although what annoys me is that she can get jealous quite easily over someone I havent been initimate with and jealous of my one other sexual partner yet I have to be man enough to not worry about her past which is not that bad in big scheme of things but the hypocrisy of her. My only real issue in my head at the moment is that I get down because I havent had many sexual partners and had missed opportunitys and feeling like I missed out in my youth. I would like to say I would never cheat on my wife but the thought did occur once or twice in my head but realised it would make me worse if I did and not fair on her or myself so thats out the question and upset that I thought about it. I do love her to bits and glad we back on track but just want to try and control my thoughts much better, without having to go down the counselling route if I don't have to.
Any help would be welcome
Sorry for the long winded post, I tried to keep it simple as possible