First let me say a sort of congratulations on finally being diagnosed. As much as it's not something people tend to embrace, for me it was the beginning of finally getting a handle on things and moving forward.

But, like you, it did come with other, more existential concerns.

I was also quiet as a child, but I think part of that had to do with some depression and anxiety. As I grew further into my teen years, the hypomania and mania began to set in and I was on top of the world! Who wouldn't want to be hypomanic, in all honesty?? That's one of the things that makes this condition so challenging: sometimes it feels good to be "sick".

But now you're in the difficult process of trying to discern "normal you" from "illness you". There is so much grey area here. The depressions are clear, and if you become floridly, wildly manic, that may be clear as well. But the hypomania? For me, it's like there's a sort of power boost to my "normal" abilities. With mania, people think they can fly, but really can't. With hypomania, people think they can dance/cook/perform amazingly well at work/be very social/be creative/ etc...and they really CAN! We pull it off very well, which means that we have these talents naturally and have them available to us even in times of "normalcy" or "wellness". We just have to dig a little more deeply to find them and move past the self-imposed limitations we place upon ourselves. How many times have I said "I can't dance", only to be tearing up the dance floor when I'm hypomanic? It's in me, I just don't/won't acknowledge it.

So, don't discount your hypomanic accomplishments. They are very much a product of your capabilities. The trick is to encourage the "good accomplishments" (heightened productivity, creativity, healthy social energy) and minimize the "bad accomplishments" (frenzied spending, sexual indiscretions, driving outside the legal restrictions - even if you are good at it, lol).

On a more existential note....I am in the camp of people who say "I am bipolar" as opposed to "I have bipolar". It is a part of my human experience and changes how I perceive and respond to my world in a profoundly personal way. Yet I can "be bipolar", but not always be in a state of illness. It's semantics, but can be important semantics to some people. Some people choose to distance themselves from it, saying "I have bipolar (but it's not who I am)", and that's okay too. But for me, bipolar disorder is part of who I am, and I'm okay with that.

As for "preferring" myself without hypomania....no, I probably can't say that. But do I "like" my non-hypomanic self? Yes. Unequivocally, yes.

May you find peace in the process of healing.