Dear T,

I have so much to tell you. I never even told you about going to the beach 2 days in a row. Now it is way too cold for the beach so I'm glad I went when I could!

I'm in kind of a fog about you and therapy. I know you exist and I have to set up my next session, but I'm not doing it.

I just found out my friend, one that I told you about, passed away yesterday. We won't be able to go home for the funeral, and I feel bad about that. We weren't that close, but I've known her and her family since college, and I wish I could be there for them. I'm going to write something and email it to her husband. It's so sad!!! It made me not sleep and think about death. Two of my friends, my age, have died. I don't want to die!!!! I don't want to start losing my friends, many of whom are older than I am. There's no security in life! I know that. That's why you want me to be mindful and enjoy each day. I'm doing that here because I don't have my messy, cluttered house to deal with!

I want to tell you about a thread posted on my forum. What I told you I asked the dr. about. I can't believe I'm not the only one that happens to!!

I want to talk about whether or not you think my mother was "neglectful" when she didn't take me to the dr. when I hurt my finger. Was it up to her to make it safe for me to tell her when I was scared or afraid, or had questions? I should have told someone what happened when I was 6.

I want to talk about feeling that I have to tell you everything, and how good that feels, and how it makes up for not telling my mother anything. How I want that comfort from you. I know you know that already.

I want to tell you a lot more but I can't remember!

I want to talk about how it feels not to email you. It's like you already died and you aren't there. I had a dream about you. I want to tell you that too. I can feel your hand in mine and that's mine forever! I want you to be safe, though.

I have to contact you about my session but it depends now, on the arrangements for my friend's funeral. Maybe we'll come home earlier than expected. I don't know.

I miss you! I wasn't letting myself feel that but now I do. Life is short and you're important to me. I can let myself care about you and you can still be my T, not anything else to me. I've been avoiding thinking about you while I'm here, and that has good and bad aspects to it. The fact is that you mean a lot to me and there's no use denying that.

I feel close to you because your friend died too. I wish we didn't have that in common because you and she are so much younger than I am, but we do. I know you've grieved for your parents too, and that grief work is your specialty. We have to talk about why I never talked about my father in all this time since his death almost 2 years ago.

I wonder what you think about my not calling or emailing you yet.

Love,
rainbow