It's hard to tell in real life that I have very deep seated low self esteem, because I cover it up so well. I speak my mind, I don't ask for "extra compliments" and I seem content being me.

But I constantly feel so inadequate and the worse part is, is that I try so hard to not let others know this happens to me, but it eats me alive day in and day out. I was just sitting outside and they're doing construction on my road so cars were backed up and I kept thinking. "They think you're ugly". "Why aren't you working on a Monday!" "Why don't you walk the dog, instead of sitting outside with her! You Fatty!"

Yesterday I met my dogs previous owners and I was terrified they would think I was a terrible owner. And I felt like it compared to them. They had to rehome, because their dogs constantly fought and behaviorists couldn't help. And they were so perfect. They loved her more then me. They gave her more exercise. They took better care of her. And at the end of it, I know she wanted to be back with them and not with me.

I hate myself for never getting the chance to visit my dad's house and love on my kitties. I hate myself for sitting around all day and doing nothing. I hate myself for having such a messy apartment. I hate myself for being disabled and I feel like I'm just depleting the system. I'm just a measly parasite. I hate myself for having to sleep so much. I hate myself for loosing most of my friends. I hate myself for not showering regularly. I hate myself for not being able to function correctly in social situations. I hate myself for screwing my life up. I hate myself for not keeping in contact with my brother. I hate myself for stressing my family out. I hate myself for gaining all this weight. I hate myself for playing the victim. I hate myself for not being able to ask for what I need. I hate myself for living in this damn place for over a year and never putting toppers over my blinds. It looks ugly and it means I'm lazy. I could named at least 50 other things. But it's not worth the time.

I even hate myself for writing so much and taking up peoples precious time.

I am inadequate. Lowly. A parasite. I'm worth nothing. People love me and I don't even care.