I know how you feel sometimes. Especially craving the mania. But even beyond that, this unsettled feeling during the more stable times - almost as if I thrive on some sort of sense of chaos. Or sometimes it's the dreaded "waiting for the next shoe to drop" feeling that being well can bring on. It's almost like, I know it's going to come eventually, let's just get it over with.

But craving the mania is a big one with me. It's almost like a drug, it's addictive at times.

It's been a long time since you last felt stable. Allow yourself to just sit with that feeling for a while, as boring as it may seem at times. Try to find safe, "stable" ways to bring more joy and excitement into your life. The rush of the Bikram-style yoga you're doing, maybe riding a bike, playing with your kids, playing in the rain....I think you get the idea.