Hello sudano68.You have so much that you are contemplating right now.You feel overwhelmed.

You say that you are depressed.Even having feelings of suicide which are interrupted by concern for the aftermath of those who love you.

Are you making an effort to call or write those people in your life who aren't as close in distance?Tell one or a couple of them that you are feeling low,and could use some advice,or a visit?

Visiting a counselor of a sort can be kept as an absolute secret,noone needs to know.As well,there are helplines,as Rohag pointed out.

You have come from a situation where you were surrounded by experiences that created an atmosphere of camaradarie,emotional bonds, structured all the time, being too busy to ponder some of these other aspects,to possibly alot of time on your hands for thinking,about your relationship (not that you shouldn't),about the state of your life....which is so much different than before you left and when you were there.

That has to leave you in a bit of an identity crisis.Like it's hard to relate to life from the standpoint of someone just out of high school....and hard to not be around others who have experienced the things that you have,because the support that can come from others who have been of service in the army is unique.

Leaves you feeling a bit like where's MY place in this world...what happens now?At 21....you aren't useless....you just haven't found your niche.

If you were 60,and felt that way,I may have a different angle on this.You are at a juncture in life where I think these concerns and feelings are 'normal/common' to be thinking about.I think ages 13,20-24,35-40,55-60....are big major humps where we tend to lean on introspection.

As far as the girlfriend thing...I know this will sound like blah,blah,blah....because I was once your age...and it always sounded that way to me.I am 43 and have 3 grown sons in your age bracket.2 of which felt so bad after breakups,that they pondered ....the ultimate.

They didn't realize it,but,life would move forward,and different opportunities and relationships ended up manifesting in their lives.They have since moved through a few relationships,schools,work opportunities,living situations....etc.But there were days when my tough boys (I mean as strong as any other guy your age) became so depressed that they felt life was futile.As time went on things shifted.

We hear people tell us,it'll get better,or this won't be the only relationship you'll ever have,it sounds like BS because we can't see the future and we want THIS relationship.But,in retrospect it was the truth.

Just try to make the best of what you have,being there for her to talk to,finding ways to make her smile,getting out with her if she's willing,just being a good friend.Then if either of you chooses to move on you can know that it wasn't because you weren't good to/for her,but that your paths went in different directions.

Have you asked her how she feels about the relationship she has with you or what you can do that would make her feel more content?Do you try to get out together to events,maybe a movie,a community event ,a walk,anything that offers up some distractions when you are together ?

I also have these bouts of sadness and being overwhelmed with the circumstances in my life.Somehow ...hanging by a thread many times,I woke up to another day.Thank god because I hate to imagine my ghost hanging on here watching those I care for suffering or missing me,and not even having a voice to comfort them or the ability to rewind,because my choice to end it was no longer a good enough choice.

Depression has alot of causes,and alot of remedies.Medication is always an option but not the only one out there.It sounds like you need to restructure your life.Eating as well as you can,multivitamin,getting outdoors for a walk or any physical activity helps with depression,so does sunshine.

What does a typical day in your life look like? How can you restructure the activities of your day to include some regular distractions,and mealtimes,hobbies,and visits with other people,ect.?

As far as your sleep and drinking,the two may be related.Like if the drinking is throughout the day,it is altering your sleeping patterns.Try to restructure the times that you allow yourself to drink,such as 2 at night,after you have done some of your other daily structure items,as a way of saying ok,well I met the other criteria I set for myself,and this is my time.Because drinking alone is one of the signs that it can culminate into a downward spiral.It is a deep depression.Thing is,alcohol severely contributes to depression.So try to limit the amount you consume,and the time of day.

So just trying to point out a few things for you to consider in your pondering.I hope to hear from you again on here,and hope that rays of sunshine peek through the clouds.Take good care of you,~W