((((((((((granite))))))))))

Dear granite............. my heart just breaks for you when I read posts like this. I know how badly you are hurting- I've felt the same way many times. There is something good that can come from this- but you will have to be the one to reach out for what you need. It's very, very hard to do. You'll have to make yourself do it. You'll need to make yourself jump past the fear of rejection and humiliation you so easily feel. That's what I had to do anyway. It's gonna take a lot of soul searching and trying to define where these feelings are coming from and plain old courage to get what you need, but you can get it my friend.

The first thing that came to my mind when I just now read your post was.....

Did you ever feel like this as a child? Did you feel no connection with your mom? Did she often just stare at you or wait with impatience as she asked you to explain yourself? Did she intimidate you when she spoke to you? Are the feelings you felt with T today familiar to feelings you've felt with your mother? Would that explain the deep wound you felt from this "session"?

Can you tell you T that you need her help in starting sessions out? My T knows how hard it is for me, because I finally said something and now she helps out all the time. BUT SHE WOULDNT UNtIL I ASKED FOR IT AND TOLD HER WHAT I NEEDED HER TO DO> I was scared to death to do it- scared she would laugh, or scoff at me or tell me that was my place to start the sessions or that she would say no. I guess when it got so bad that the pain of her saying no (the worst thing she could do to me) hurt less than or equal to the pain of what I was feeling as a result of not being able to ask- I asked. I think you're at that place granite. I don't know how you could make yourself suffer anymore than you already have. This is one of those pivitol points in therapy. If you can take the chance and tell her what's going through your head as you decide to leave it will open a whole new avenue for you- and it will be so enlightening to you and leave you with a sense of inner peace.

It's not easy, especially when you feel as bad as you do now, but what do you have to lose? Could anything that happens make you feel worse than you do now? If the answer is no, try taking a chance- you never know what will happen unless you do.

I'm praying for you and hoping that you can feel a sense of calmness soon.

Hugs friend.