Thank you SO much for hearing me and responding

T actually called me a few minutes after I left him a message (or messages?) The whole memory of all of it is so surreal. I know what triggered me (a word) and I know that I left a message and I can SEE that I posted here and I remember sitting in my closet with the phone and I know I talked to T but the details are gone. The only thing I do remember is that T suggested that I write the word down and rip it up or mentally put it in my box in his office...and I REALLY didn't want the word here, so I asked him if he would write it down there and rip it up and throw it away and he said he would. But he didn't know what the word was, I don't think (I'm not sure) so he had me write the word and e-mail it to him and then he printed it and tore it up and threw it away. We do that with yucky words sometimes. Get them out of my head and make them go away, so they're not floating around and taking over.

It helped. But then later today, I felt SO VULNERABLE. T and I rarely talk on the phone, and especially because I don't remember the messages or the phone call, I know I was super triggered and dissociated and...YUCK. In his office, there is time to get regrounded and to experience us being us, T and me, but there wasn't that today.

So. I called AGAIN and told him that I felt kind of yucky and scared and that I feel better and not triggered but could I please have some reassurance? And he left me a message and said he was glad I asked for the reassurance and that I haven't experienced that big of a trigger in a while and that he was glad I called him and that we are okay.

And I guess that's the story of my Monday being the World's Neediest Client

It was worth it, though, because I'm okay now. I was in "I will do ANYTHING to make this go away" mode. I guess out of all of the options, calling T wasn't the worst one, for sure.