I just had one of the most difficult weeks of my life. I got through it by thinking, each day-- “3 more days until therapy,” “2 more days until therapy,” etc. assuming that, during my session, I’d be able to get everything out, break down, do whatever I needed to— and let T take control and give me the understanding and support I needed. However, that didn’t happen today. First off, she moved my appointment at the last minute— I felt a little hurt that she moved me to accommodate someone else, but I agreed to it without complaint because she was still able to get me in. Second, I know I was visibly upset when I walked in because, just a few minutes before therapy, I ran into an acquaintance on the street and she stopped dead in her tracks and said: “Whoa, what’s wrong? You don’t look like yourself!” I brushed it off and said “oh, I’m okay” because she wasn’t the right person to have that conversation with. I knew I was on my way to T and I knew I’d have the chance to tell everything to T in just a few minutes. However, when I walked in, T didn’t ask me how I was (like she usually does) and she immediately started talking (she usually lets me start). T just completely missed the mark today—she failed to see how distressed I was, she failed to ask how I was doing, and she simply failed to “see” me; to be present with me. She started talking about “minor” issues until I found an opening to interrupt her and steer the conversation to the “major” issues I needed to talk about.

I told her, point blank, how distressed I was. I told her about the information I’d learned from my dad (detailed in my other thread), I told her my partner broke up with me, and I told her I went back to the doctor and they still haven’t been able to diagnoses my (physical) condition and, therefore, I’m in constant pain. I told her I’ve been having recurring nightmares and I’ve been so distracted I showed up to the wrong class on the wrong day! I told her I didn’t feel like myself and I didn’t know how what to do about it; how to just get through all of the things I’m dealing with. However, during this whole conversation, T basically looked bored. There was no empathetic look on her face, no remark like “I understand” or “that must be difficult” or “what do you need” or “how can I help”— instead T just said “I’ve seen you like this before; this isn’t the first time you’ve felt hopeless." I found her statement extremely dismissive and, quite frankly, rude. I don’t feel hopeless—I do, however, feel distressed and I feel like I need someone to be on my side and to demonstrate a little compassion and empathy. And, while I’ve certainly had periods where I’ve been “down in the dumps,” this IS the first time I’ve dealt with so many major issues at once. It also IS the worst I’ve felt since I started seeing her. (You can see from my previous threads that this distress is not typical for me). So, today, I desperately needed to break down—and I was ready to break down—I could feel myself on the verge of tears when I walked in the room— but when T acted like she was bored and distant, it made me no longer feel safe. When I don’t feel safe, my defenses come up big time. So I couldn’t cry; I couldn’t break down. Instead, I tensed up and shut down. I kept talking—I kept telling her what was going on—but I lost access to my emotions; I lost my vulnerability. My walls came up because I couldn’t trust her to be there to (metaphorically) hold me and make me feel safe and supported. It felt like I was talking to someone with the emotional capacity of my dad. Actually, I felt MORE support from my dad today! I called him to discuss only the medical issue and he actually WAS supportive. I think this is the first time I have EVER wished my T could be as supportive as my dad! I didn’t need T to “do” anything; I just needed her to listen and look like she cared. True, there is part of me that wants T to offer more physical comfort, but today I would have been perfectly happy with her usual supportive listening and verbal feedback—but I didn’t get that. And this is after a particularly vulnerable session last week, where I shared how much I viewed her as maternal and how I’ve never had there before, and asked her where her boundaries are with respect to physical comfort (she said she thinks it is “ok” to sit next to a sad/upset client, put her arm around a client, etc.). So it really hurts to know that what I want is within her boundaries, she just is choosing not to offer it to me—and failing to give what she usually does, i.e. supportive listening and positive verbal feedback. I waited for this appointment all week—struggled to fight the desire to text her or call and ask for an extra session— all for this appointment that felt useless.

I’m feeling hurt and upset right now and I don’t want to sit with this for another week. I have so many ruptures in my life right now (like with my partner) and I already feel so alone, that it feels like I can’t bear to be going through a rupture with my T (my FIRST rupture with her!). I’ve had other sessions where I’ve felt like she’s been a little off or a little distant, but nothing “big” and never at a time when I’ve been so vulnerable. A part of me wants to contact her, but another part of me thinks that is a bad idea. I don’t want to get into the habit of contacting her too much between sessions and I don’t want to “annoy” her or be too “needy.” I also don’t want to talk to her when I’m upset; if I decide to address these feelings with her, I want to do so when I’m level-headed and diplomatic. I just feel like I don’t know how to get through another week feeling so distressed. Ugh. Not sure what else to say or what to ask for… just needed to “put this out there.”