(((((((((((( granite )))))))))))

I'm so sorry your session went the way it did.

I wonder if you could call her to help you feel better for now?

You know, I have had times just like this only it was when T was away. But it's similar, where I can't wait for T to return, and then when she did return, I was not able (or willing) to connect because that was when my anger about being away from her would surface. I would not connect with her because I was angry with her; then, afterwards I would be angry with myself because I wanted to connect but I didn't.

Do you think your anger might also be disappointment in yourself, as well as disappointment in your T? It is so hard when we can't talk but we really really want to talk. So disappointing when we can't make it happen. We have a need but we can't verbalize it and it feels really awful. It feels awful to want connection, and to need connection, to need our anxiety relieved, but for whatever reason to not be able to get 'there' to the place to make it happen for us.

Why don't you see if you can call T to talk briefly about what happened. Maybe she could fit you in on Thursday (if I'm remembering correctly that this is the other day she is in). Or maybe you could just get a bit of relief on the phone. I think you'd feel better.

I can certainly understand all the feelings you have about having to miss a session just because of a holiday, about missing her, about not being able to talk when you so wanted to, about wishing she would have said something to help, and about being disappointed in her and in you, and about the fear you have that walking out is something she can't tolerate.

Don't close the book yet; this chapter wasn't what you wanted it to be, but the book is more than just one of it's chapters.