I feel like getting drunk before therapy. I know, that is totally messed up. I need to go to therapy, but I just want to be numb and drift. Is it acting out? I am sure. Is it seeking attention? definitely. Is it to numb my feelings and deal with this mixed episode? Absolutely.

So why do I still plan on doing it? I am not sure what T will say, if she even notices. I am sure she will notice. She is very astute that way. I am sure I will get people telling me to not do it. I think I will anyways though. I guess I just wanted to tell somebody that I hurt. Hopefully, someday I will find a way to use my words instead of my behaviors/actions. I will be as strong as I can. I will try. I can't promise any more than that.