Thanks for the replies. I was bit afraid to post this to be honest, but I needed to get it out.
just few points...
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I'm sickened by how that pdoc treated you. So many people here report being discouraged from achieving their life goals, be it finishing an undergrad degree or returning to work after a harsh episode of illness, by their pdocs. Yes, we are more delicate because we have bipolar, and stress can affect our illness negatively. But we need to have something to live for if we are ever to recover! We need to see ourselves as competent, as survivors, not victims, of bipolar.
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As much as I handle stress really badly, for me inactivity is much worse. It consumes me... I have time to think self-destructive thoughts... and I guess if I feel others depend on me, I have drive to live even if I don't want to at the moment.
So I chose stress. I may shorten my life span... but in the end... I think it is about how much we did and accept the risks and negatives if we see them as good exchange.
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It all starts with that push and decision for your own life, and like me you decided to just do it help or no. Then the even more fun part came where you get lost, very very lost before you find your way again. I think that's the best way to make it, even if it's not the easiest.
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I used this metaphore in another thread, but I guess it is valid here as well. Once I was on organized trip with a tourguide who was of the philosophy that if you don't know where you are going, you cannot get lost. And it actually worked suprisingly well (yes, we saw some shady parts of the country's cities... but we saw many charming of the beaten path neighborhoods as well).
So maybe it is not bad to get "lost" sometimes in life and stray of the path for a bit. Just have enough sense to know when you are going somewhere real bad... or that sometimes there are metaphorical landmines just along to path. But mostly it is relatively safe. One find the way back... or maybe they realize they don't want to go back and this road looks more interesting.
I don't want to live my life walking on the mainstreet. I wanna see some of the neighborhoods too. Maybe even stop and talk to the locals for a bit and get some souvenirs... (yes, it is all a metaphore).
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But once you're on your way, it's so easy to feel lost and wonder what now? You don't want to lose everything about yourself that you discovered and made, but at the same time sometimes you wonder if that's what is right. I know that getting lost and finding my way was the best experience ever because it gets you along your way, but it's just oh so effed up as well.
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oh yes, it is sometimes painful and effing scary. Right now I don't know where I am. But than again... I was always bad at reading maps and rather followed intiution...
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Thank you Venus for sharing... I can definitely relate to parts of your story - English Lit nerd here too haha! And even though studies in that field definitely don't help matters (and it also took me an extra year to finish) here I am embarking on a masters. And I wouldn't take that decision back!
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Oh, I am getting masters in "politics", but I don't deny the linguistic streak in me. I have a way with words and it was good to learn the rules... now I can break them
People usually start rolling their eyes when I start debating meanings of words on parties though.
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