Yesterday was pretty bad. I wanted to get things done, and I wanted to decompress after the long weekend. I had to do a lot of driving and I just needed to get through the weekend, and after the day is done I get exhausted. And I had someone cancel the last minute and I could have gone somewhere else. I tried to just let things lay too.

Oh, then I got the call Monday about the cancelling of my rescheduled deposition.
And I just fell apart. I am very tired of this on, off, on, off, and all the months of scheduled depositions that I wasn't even informed about from my attorney. And I have been trying to just move forward. And I am just constantly at the mercy of others and I am worn out. And I have that same feeling, if I hold it all in only Open Eyes gets hurt, and I knew that if I let it out it would make things worse because then everyone else would be angry and effected too. And thats exactly how it works now. Opens Eyes lets it out and it just gets worse and then Open Eyes remembers that little girl that just seem to know, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT OR IT WILL GET WORSE. And it may even cost your life, feels that way no matter what now. If I say how much I am hurting ALL IT DOES IS TELL EVERYONE I AM WEAK and there are people who WANT THAT.
And then there are the people WHO DONT WANT TO KNOW, OR THE OTHERS THAT ADVISE TO KEEP IT IN, AND THE OTHERS THAT RESENT MY WEAKNESS.

I know this is aggrivating the PTSD and people have this sentiment of a just deal.
But the problem is, I have been just dealing for too long now. And I feel guilty when I fall apart and I get frightened and say something or ask for help. And that reaches back to so many other events in my life where I didn't get help and was at the mercy of others for a long time.

I am trying not to allow myself to connect the experiences and yet they are so memorized in me that was not truely consciously aware of how much they were so deeply imbedded. No, I am trying to deal with my lawsuit, damage, neighbor crap and somehow I am dealing with the past as well. I wish I never had this, its really too much. And none of it was my fault and I just kept dealing. So I do get angry,
because I am doing that now and it is taking the last of me and I am trying to fight it, and the battle is making me worse and I do feel ill.

I feel helpless when I fall apart like yesterday. I seem to have no control over it and my brain and my body becomes seperate from me and thats really scary. I called the therapist and he wasn't much help. And the end, I was alone and dealing and it just knocks me out. I laid in bed, took a pill, and I hate that because then my day is shot. And I could hear the horses and ponies winnying asking me to get out there and I was so debilitated.

And then that is right where everyone goes, get rid of them. And I can't because I couldn't give away cripples and if I sell the couple that are good, then there will be nothing to use to work and pay for the care of the cripples and the dam debt that my neighbor stuck with me.

I try really hard to push away the anger and push away whatever. But I don't know how to do it anymore. Thats what I always did and it caused damage, this is causing damage. And is every bit like that little child that was held down and tried so hard to struggle free, but she was just overpowered. And I don't even want to think about that, but it is there burned into my brain. I have this overwhelming desire to run and get away, break free somehow. And there is not any escape I can muster. And the end message is just lay there and take it and shut your mouth.

Open Eyes