I didn't know where to put this question. But I met with my T today and I was trying to tell him how bad this lawsuit if effecting me. And he asked my why not just give it up? And I got really angry. And I had also talked to him about my childhood SA. And I also told him about how this made me feel much like I was being held down and I could not break free. And I also told him how I had to often just take it and sometimes just wait for it to end.

My therapist told me that with CSA many victims do not have the time to learn the signs of regular preditors like normal children and so they often have my complaints about being abused. And so often they end up in abusive situations.

Ok, while I agree that can be possible because I see members in abusive situations that cannot seem to understand why or find strength to release themselves from certain situations, I don't think that it is CSA history all the time.

And personally I am the opposite, I can see the bad before many others and I am more often to stand my ground. I do this because I do not want to ever feel overpowered by abuse. And, it is when others expect me to "just deal" or "walk away and not stand my ground" or "tell me to give up my farm etc because now I am struggling due to the damage I should give in" I get angry. Even when someone says forgive thy neighbor when my neighbor not only cost me soooo much by his negligence but is still trespassing and lieing. To me, that is so much the same as saying allow people to abuse you until they are done.

Now, I know what I saw, I see all the damage and I know for a fact my neighbor is responsible and allowed his dogs to run onto my property knowing his fence did not work. My whole way of life was effected by this. And I am in a lawsuit that allows me to be trapped in this litigation for up to 7 years. And the deposition? Oh, I looked that up on line and it is in black and white how the opposing side is purposely nice to you to disarm you so they can trap you. And it also states to keep your answers short and no matter how much you want to tell the story of abuse, damage and suffering, shut up. Abusers are nice to you and they just rape you?

Now, I have to be honest, in my book, in my mind what this is discribing is a legal form of ABUSE. And as I read my daughter's depositon I see how the insurance company attorney tried to trap her by stating one of the animals suffered before the dog caused damage. Just by the way the question was asked. And because the attorney was nice and my daughter really was not here, she didn't catch that question. And they do have the dates of veterinary visits and time line.

When I first started the lawsuit, most people were surprised and stated they wouldn't do it because it was a neighbor and that could cause even worse problems. Even my husband wonders if this is worth it because it is reaking havoc on me psychologically. And I have even been in a situation where other people saw children being abused and neglected (even a psychologist and minister) and chose not to say anything and ignore it. Not only that but even rallied behind the abuser. I was the only one who reported it. But I was CSA too.

My own therapist is suggesting to walk away and just allow this person to walk away from being responsible for a hell of a lot of damage. Why?because it is taking so much out of me? And I have been raped in a very bad way by a neighbor who still tresspasses, so I am just suppose to let him do this? Just stick a death needle in the crippled animals and sell everything I can, including my farm (which he will be the first in line to buy) and where do I go? So, in other words just let people to rape me? Lay there and take it and say nothing?

My own attorney, he is old and forgetful and even when I tried to retain another attorney no one would help me. They would just rather pretend it isn't happening. Oh, yes I could report him, but he could deny it and cover it up and I could end up with no attorney.

It is important to know that I went the route of first telling my neighbor to contain their dogs.
Had to get a dog warden out to get them to do it. I had many conversations with them telling them about my business and the danger of dogs. And they had a dog that would not stay in the underground electric system and had to tie that dog. That dog would get loose and they would appologize and fix the tie. So there was about 9 years of conversations and me talking about the value of what I did. When their system went down they knew it wasn't working for almost three months and were letting their dogs out at night while I slept and that began the destruction on my everything me. This is not just a one time dog getting loose thing. And at first they admitted it until they heard how bad the damage was, now they are denying it.

Geez, do you think if I just let everyone walk on me and take what they want, including the opposing attorney that represents an insurance company who doesn't want to pay for a neighbor who wants to break the law and let their dogs run lose distroying my property and my sanity, will that release this horrible thing called PTSD in my brain?

Oh, it will kill me to say no and stand my ground? So basically cower and pack my bags and leave to go where? A new life somewhere? Where is this?

Who does that work out for? My neighbor? His insurance company? That insurance company's attorney? My attorney with his issues?

The system allows for the opposing attorney to draw out a case on and on and I have to find a way to deal and survive until they can't take any more time. And they actually work this way in how they address this kind of situation and I just have to lay there and be raped and raped and raped and just shut my eyes until the system says enough. SEVEN YEARS?

I am a victim of CSA and I know what it feels like to be trapped and overpowered. I went on Sunday and drove by a place where I hid in the trees (still there after all these years), climbed way up high, and listened to a voice below calling my name. I KNOW A BAD PERSON WHEN I HEAR THEM, SEE THEM, EXPERIENCE THEM. I am saying NO. And people wonder why I am fighting so hard and I am also suffering psychologically, WHY NOT JUST WALK AWAY?

I think CSA victims know bad when they see it. Maybe some never learn how to say no, I DID. And it seems to me that there are plenty of people who were not CSA and they are more willing to walk away and ignore the bad things that go on.

I have to admit that I am always surprised at how bad many people really are. And being a part of the legal system, I am equally suprised at how much a victim has to stay a victim for so long.

What about you, what do you think?

Open Eyes