I already see a dietician..she is wonderful! Actually anyone who can put up with me and this ED is pretty wonderful. Well the T that is leaving(actually the hospital is closing the outpatient psch..doesnt make money) has her own private practice but is afraid that i am to much of a liabilty. It is away from the city and what if something were to happen while I was there..ie pass out. But after talking with her today she is afraid what will happen if I see this new person for a while and then just quit. So maybe if things dont work out she will see me after all. Keeps telling me I am going to die. Tired of hearing that and that I am malnourished..prob denial but..I told her we are all going to die anyway..then she says I am suicidal..I guess if you look at it that way..slowly I am..I have a lot of major health problems. Some because of the Ed and others because of my lupus. I am greatful that she cares so much, but I just dont want to see anyone else because I cant tell her all the reasons why I hate myself. Very extensive abuse history and only 2 people know of it and that tool me years to trust them. But for now I just keep trying to plug along..really though I just dont understand how some people can get over this and well I havent. Guess I have had it for so long and I am told I am one of her worse cases but still...I dont want it anymore! Have good days..start to gain weight and just freak out.

I really dont like ensure but I just glup it down. I dont eat things because I like the taste of them. If I did I prob wouldnt eat half the things I do.. Well at least I know somebody cares..but why I have no idea/ dont know why I have so many people that like me. Plus if they knew the real me they wouldnt like me anyway..Dont know if this even makes sense or not. Have the time I dont know if it is the ED thoughts or my own. It is really hard to analize all of your thoughts.
Thanks again for the support. Hopefully I will beat this damn disease and be able to help people someday..not have people learn b/c of my death or something like that..Well better get to bed..Have a good day..Are you recovered?