Thanks, unhappyguy. You're completely right about kneejerk reactions. They're a dead give-away. But I've known and been aware of them for quite some time. What they don't seem to help me do (this may or may not be other people's case) is feel my way back into the original feelings that gave rise to the kneejerk reactions. I don't know whether that's because those feelings are pre-verbal, pre-memory or what.

As for neglect, I think that's all I suffered from. I wasn't battered or deprived of food. I didn't have to witness any physical violence between my parents or anyone else. No. The problem was my mother's instinctive flight from intimacy with anyone, something over which she didn't have any control. In fact, though she did it all her long life, I very much doubt she had any idea she was doing it.

I don't feel emptiness. And I very much wonder whether the immediate reaction to neglect is as nebulous and evanescent as you describe it to be. To a pre-verbal, pre-toddler, diaper-laden infant, neglect is as threatening, if not more threatening, than physical violence. So we're talking about reaching back to somehow touch and feel those immediate baby feelings.

And thanks for the invite! I certainly will PM you. Take care!