hmmm . . . I don't know if it's possible to remember pre-verbal thoughts and feelings. Perhaps you could look through some old baby photos of yourself for clues? Focus on the expressions on your face.

It's interesting that first borns, in our cases at least, fared better than some or all younger siblings. My experience includes much more than maternal neglect - There was verbal and emotional abuse too. Perhaps the worst part of the neglect is that I never had toys or learned how to play, making friendship with others difficult. I could go on but will not bore you . . .

One therapist once said I was the most well adjusted abused child he had ever met since I did not abuse drugs or alcohol and was not a sex addict. He also said he could not help me.

I suggest you proceed slowly when investigating your original feelings. While the self-knowledge that will bring may open your eyes further, the really important part is how you will use it in your present adult life. Considering what happened to your siblings, you are indeed a survivor, something to be very grateful for. You managed to find love and stay married for over 40 years! Considering your background, that is a huge achievement! All the best to you.