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Originally Posted by TerryL
Hi Y, actually, words were not what helped me so much as memories. Perhaps you could substitute "memories" for "feelings"?
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Well, Terry, truth is, I can't remember back that far. I believe we're talking about one to two years, give or take several months. The earliest memory I have is from being at my grandmother's while my mother was in the hospital having my next brother. So that would have been when I was two years and seven days old. That's as far as I can get. If you're able to get back further, how do you do so?
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I hope that you know that your being unloved by your mother was not your fault. and she probably had issues with her mother or father and you can probably scroll back and see the neverending cycle of unfulfilled needs. Is there a way you could find out more about your mother's upbringing? Maybe she was a girl who did not feel loved either and so did not have the tools to be a loving parent? Not trying to make excuses for her, just hoping it might help you understand why she was the way she was. Not sure where that might lead. Not sure if understanding the whys will fill that hole in your heart, but perhaps it is worth a try?
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That's exactly what T and I did. And in fact, my crowning insight took place on the day that I gave T the last installment of fact and interpretation about my mother's history. She had a particularly bad early childhood, not because of anything inherent in either of my grandparents, but because of external facts of history that touched their lives deeply. It was quite a special situation that probably didn't happen to all that many other people. And I think I'll stop there. I don't know that I feel a hole in my heart. Other people when discussing childhood emotional abuse talk about emptiness, but I don't feel that. But then maybe I do and just take it for granted. Thanks for your help!
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