Thank you for all your replies.

I have not been in litigation for 7 years, but my husband said that it can go to 7 years. I have been in suite for about 3 1/2 years and counting.

The advice from different attorneys from different towns has basically been that they do not want to take on my case, they all know my attorney and they recommend hanging in there and getting the deposition in. And I have talked to my attorney about getting this case moving forward, even told him that I am suffering depression and bad thoughts and have been doing my best to hang in there. But it didn't stop my attorney for forgetting yet another deposition, not letting me know it was scheduled until the day before where I had no time to prepare. He also had not sent me a copy of my daughters deposition to review, and that was important. After he cancelled the deposition because of such short notice he finally sent me a copy of my daughter's deposition. And after reviewing it I saw a question presented to her to trap her and she was not present when one pony coliced and could have died after running around from the dog. So, I could see the test and that was not right.
The opposing side has the story of occurance and the dates of injuries, all within that time period where the neighbor's fence was broken.

Now I was going to take action and write a letter, but a new deposition date was scheduled so I decided to work on preparing myself for that. It was very difficult to review the damages and I met with my therapist and worked hard to just make myself read it and try to prepare. I was determined to press forward and then after preparing for 2 weeks it was cancelled and a new date was set for the following week. I was angry but kept to task trying to tell myself that it would give me more time to prepare. And then I got another cancellation. This time it was the other attorney stating that she had two court dates and could not do the deposition.

Before my deposition was cancelled I met with my attorney to prepare and though I was very angry with him, I focused on the depostion and put my angry thoughts aside. I am truely trying. And even though my attorney appologized to my husband he never brought up his negligence to me. And I didn't bring it up because all I did want is this case to progress.

I cant just give up the case and walk away. I have been paying on a substantial amount of debt that was made by addressing the injuries to my animals. I have lost the animals I need for my business and have not been able to give lessons and my business is not even half what it was, and I have not had enough funds to cover the expenses of maintaining the animals. I couldnt even afford therapy until I was so bad that I had to get therapy.

During this time while I have been suing my neighbor he has torn down no tresspassing signs, raised guinea hens and let them loose without making a containment system for them and I had to deal with 20 of these rather large birds running around my horses, I did have to call the police. And my neighbor doesn't understand why he cannot send over relatives to see my ponies. And he pulled apart a wall I was building to block off an old bridge that was on my property because he didn't like the wall. I called the police and by the time the police got here he had thrown all the rocks from my wall in the woods and there was nothing left of my wall.
I stood there yelling at him to stop and he kept pulling it apart. I didn't even have time to grab him and make him stop.

And then there was that neighborhood party and I had chained all my gates and talked myself into thinking that no one would trespass and get to my horses and ponies. I woke the next morning to a loose pony that simply could not have let himself free.

If I walk away, I am allowing him to win, to have permission to walk all over me.
I can't do that. And I will go bankrupt because I can't pay the debt that has been left from his negligence.

It is not just a matter of winning, it is a matter of defending my right to have my farm and that he must respect my rights. Because he doesn't want to respect my rights.

I don't know why my past has come forward and I don't know why I am battling this PTSD or how to stop it. I am not making this happen, it just happened. It is odd to me and yet it just comes forward because it a long memory of being violated I guess.
I am trying very hard to understand it and yet as I try to understand it, it is being violated and being in the presence of a bad presense and feeling helpless. I am trying to fight back and stand my ground. I don't want to lay there and just let it happen anymore.

Those who talk about breaking free and starting a new life. It just isn't that easy, and I have done that many times in my past. I don't know why I had to deal with so much, oh I could list all of it, you would understand. I have done nothing wrong but I have tryed very hard to just be. I had worked so very hard for what I had. I honestly never expected so much damage and its everywhere I look.

I don't know where to put the anger anymore. I can't even think about what I want anymore. I often can't even think and I come here to try to get my brain to think in steps and I work at it very hard. I loose track of time. I don't know how to dissasociate in a healthy way anymore. I know I am getting worse and I don't know what to do. My brain doesn't want to see all this damage and bills and all of it is too hard. So, when I prepared for that depostion it was hard work and when it got taken away, I tried again and again it was taken away and there is no new date. Well, this happened last year and when I did the first half of my depostion my attorney told me it should only be 6 more months. But now hes has no time and leaves that open to an eternity.

I didn't put in for my emotional damage because when I was in therapy I talked about my CSA, not knowing what that would mean to my case. And then I was told by my attorney that my neighbor could get all my files and see that and do what he wanted with that information. How violating, so I just left that out of the suit. And in so doing, had to go without therapy due to a lack of funds.

Maybe that is how my past came forward, I don't know. All I do know is that for whatever reason my brain is really struggling and I don't understand how to fix it.
I have been trying to figure out how to work through this. It is the hardest thing to understand or even begin to explain. And it makes me feel helpless and crippled and I don't understand why my brain either gets really worked up like it wants to run or it just wants to hide or get rid of the anger and yet it also just shuts down on me.
It is god awful to be fighting with your own brain somehow. And my body just starts to shiver and I am in so much pain too. And no one understands how very hard I am trying. I don't even understand how to try anymore. And I have terrible thoughts because I am breaking down and I can't stop it. And I am embarrassed and to honest had it not been for PC, I don't know where I would be.

I think this PTSD is so awful. I am not this person, I have been a strong person.
I feel like I should somehow be able to just distract myself, but I can't. I have this bolder that blocks my desires to be who I was. I honestly don't even know how to be anymore. And this is so not me. And it scares me too. I honestly don't know what to do. Some days are so bad and I have to really talk to myself and work at it.
And as soon as I make any progress, I have to deal with this ongoing litigation and frustrating process. And I am afraid to do anything to prolong it.

If I give up I will lose everything. There will be no closure, and it will just demolish my brain. I have to know that I can say NO. I need to know that for my sanity, don't you understand? And I am trying to be reasonable and not let myself get overwhelmed. But it is real and its not good and I know it. I can't pretend or hide anywhere anymore. And while this is happening I am trying to run my business and get through to booking jobs and doing them. But, I am not doing well, I am trying.
And I get angry because my business suffered a lot of damage and I am trying to hang on and this process is twisting my brain to a point where I can bearly do the minimum. And I am really not making it, I am basically working to keep up with bills that should never have been mine. And I have to try to push that anger aside too.

Anger is so strong and debilitating. I just don't know where to put it anymore. And it is in my brain, my arms, my chest, behind my eyes, my legs even my hands and I seem to have no control over it. This is so crippling and I have been trying to say, please, its going to kill me. And it doesn't seem to matter no one gets it, even I don't understand it.

Dismiss the case? Fight my own attorney? I am tired of fighting, it should not have to be this way. And tell how much this is hurting me? Oh thats creepy its just saying I once again am overpowered and can't fight back. I am never going to forget the images in my brain, things that I loved my way of life taken by negligence. I look that white pony every day and he wants to live and the others too. I am a kind heart, I don't believe in killing something that wants to live. The pony that died really tried hard and I lost that battle. And they are happy animals, and they deserve that, they are well behaved, worked hard and I do love them. I loved what I had, I know I can't have it back. I can't have any of my past removed. The Law states that my neighbor should be responsible. He should be held responsible. They used to hang people for this, horses were significant and a part of sustaining life. Well, they sustained me in so many ways.

And I don't want to fight, I am not a fighter, I am just not built that way. I am a very peaceful loving person. I even feel sorry that my attorney is aging and trying to hang on, I don't want to hurt him. I just want my life back.

Open Eyes