When I went to the doctor, I was asking for different help from what had been offered (Health in Mind... who took two months to even write to me). I was told I had to go through that route before trying anything else. I was given a questionnaire which apparently scored me as "mild to moderate" depression even though I ticked boxes about thoughts of hurting myself. It also did not take into account that I am not depressed all the time BECAUSE MY MOOD SHIFTS BETWEEN THE EXTREMES!!! I didn't say I thought I was bipolar because I started to feel like a hypochondriac or attention seeker, trying to make out my problems were more severe than other people's or something. I suppose I just wanted the doctor to be a mind reader and agree that I might be better off seeing a pdoc - I didn't want to suggest it myself.

He said I should try antidepressants. I said that I'd tried Prozac a few years ago but it eventually stopped working and (subjective) sent me a little crazy. That is obviously a matter of opinion, but my other reason I felt was valid: I was honest and said that I don't want to kill myself and have no intention of deliberately trying, but when things get too chaotic in my head (mixed states/dysphoric mania, but I didn't say that) I lose control and am prepared to do anything to make everything stop, and that is when I am likely to take more pills than I'm supposed to. But despite me saying this, he still wrote me a prescription for mirtazapine.

I didn't go and get it on Monday - instead I came straight home and fell into a massive downer, hence my original post. Then tonight I've suddenly started to feel a mixture of anxious, agitated and hopeless, and just kept thinking, "I *need* something to make this better". Too late to go to the local pharmacy so I had a friend drive me to the next town to get my prescription. Now that I have it, I already feel a sense of relief, and less inclined to swallow a bottle which is how I felt earlier. But I do feel edgy about it - I don't want to take just one.

Feeling a bit embarrassed for having written so many "woe is me" posts over the past few days, but also feel like writing about it is stopping me from doing it :-/