I can only imagie what you are going through, my mum died in an equally horrific way when I was 12,wont go into details here, dont feel like talking about it.

Time will help you.

I dont know, maybe that experiance was your brothers way of letting you know hes alright and hes sorry for leaving you, or maybe its just your minds way of coping with the trauma, I believe due to my own experiances that we often just know when a loved one is dead or in some sort of trouble.

He clearly wasnt in his right mind at all to do what he did.

I know its awful to have those horrific memories burned into your mind, but it may even help you in the long run, because its always better to confront the truth i suppose, or maybe not, I dont know, Im just trying to be consoling here, its probably not helping at all.

Dont bottle up your grief whatever you do.

and just because one therapist didnt work for you, doesnt mean another one wont.

You will get through this and it wont always be this awful and you will find people who really understand and can help you. Hold on.

Take care