1. Put ice on it!
2. My dues aren't paid up, but I was a member of Mensa, and my mother tells her casino buddies I'm SLOW.
3. Only one slap and only one stupid? I like to do it in threes, slapping the forehead. One time, I did it in therapy, only I somehow FORGOT I was hugging my T and had my arm wrapped around his neck, so when I went to slap myself on the forehead, I kinda strangled him - 3 times! DOH! Sure, we laugh about it now! But I mentioned recently in session that I seem to be saying it less.
4. I forget, do you have siblings? I think my parents were angry and resented that I got better grades (because I studied more) than my older brother - boys are supposed to be smarter, so a lot of what I did was simply discounted, and that sounds like the case with your accomplishments, both as a child and an adult. But a beautifully written piece, this! If you WERE more athletic, you would know to RICE your injury - Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. (heat AFTER 24 hours).