Perna, I couldn't agree with you more. But I don't know why my brain started producing flashbacks. I didn't even understand PTSD when I was first diagnosed with it. I honestly thought that it would just go away and I had done a lot of work to address different injuries and get all the paperwork prepared and try to continue working. I was trying to distract, and push the anger away. And what I didn't realize is that it didn't work and whatever I was doing wasn't working and I just got worse.

Last year I was trying to train some green ponies (ponies that know very little) and my daughter was trying to work with a Mustang I had (he had also been damaged) and I wasn't right. I was falling into depression and not knowing it, the PTSD was getting worse, only I didn't know it. And last year the neighbor was trespassing and I would be out there feeding and he would just pop out of nowhere and he's creepy Perna. He asked me if I had a problem with him because he had sent relatives over to see my ponies without asking me. And then he questioned a time line that my first attorney put down just as a guess when I was still try to just address the injuries. I had already come up with a time line where the damage started the first of May and the animals were being injured on Sunday and Monday nights. I had been wondering why those nights. So, my neigbor looked straight at me and said "I know for a fact that fence was broken the beginning of May". By that time I had already obtained a new attorney and I had already put in the dates and the real time line that was the beginning of May thru July 9 until he finally installed a new fence.
And what creeped me out was he ACTUALLY KNEW, his family knew what was going on and they just let it happen. They were fiddling with the fence on the weekends and then when they let the dogs out on Sunday and Monday nights they saw it Perna and thats when they contained the dogs the rest of the week. Do you understand what that means? They were aware of what was going on. I was not aware their fence was down. I had thought after all those years and conversations that they finally got the message. I never saw it coming that they would just let this happen.

When my neighbor yelled this at me he didn't realize that he was agreeing with the time line I had already given to my new attorney. Obviously his attorney didn't show him the dates with all the injures and the clear time line. And I will never forget him standing there and yelling it out at me that way. He was unknowingly tell me he knew the facts and these facts I had been trying to understand why those nights? He even knew the dog was running his chickens and whatever as well. That day he approached me I had just put up a no trespassing sign because I know that if he trespasses I can charge him. He just said he didn't like the sign so he tore it down and it laid on the ground torn up. Perna he not only trespassed to get to the sign but he destroyed the sign that was mine.

Perna, what do I do with the $30,000 in charges for vet bills I am still paying on? I had to use all my credit cards to get the vets here and treat my animals. I have an expensive show horse that was appraised at $125,000 that was perminently damaged. I worked my *** off for that horse, my whole family did. I am not a rich person I worked hard for what I had. A horse that is worth that kind of money is not something you can just replace. Horses that worth that kind of money and more are horses that are proven and it takes years before that happens and one can search through hundreds of horses and not find any that can do what this horse could do.

A lesson pony that can take care and babysit a five year old child is soooo hard to find, like a needle in a haystack. Most lesson barns don't have these ponies. For the last 20 years I searched high and low and had many different ponies come and go because it is very hard to not only find a pony like this but train it. Ponies that I could take anywhere and anyone could lead even a five year old Perna, that is soooo hard to come by you have no idea. These ponies are worth their weight in gold. Ponies that can be so childsafe and proven are hardly ever on the market, they pass through a list of people wait for them or they are never sold.

I have been with crippled children that cannot sit up and their parents stand on both sides of the pony and my wonderful pony KNEW and SHE WALKED SO GENTLY. You cannot buy that Perna, it is so rare and so hard to come by and I trained that pony. And that pony got the best and I took care of her and the the other two, I knew what I had and so did other trainers. I didn't even have to advertise lessons. That pony died a horrible death Perna she fought for me for months with Iv's and I was feeding her via a saringe with liquid food and encouraging her to swallow pass that damage in her throat that was caused because we fed them and went out and while we were gone that dog was chasing them and she choked. I had 4 of them that choked and they would not eat and I could have lost more. They coughed and struggled to eat for many months. My husband and I saw this happen, I will never forget it Perna. And the police would not come out and the dog warden never answered because she was out due to an injury.
And they police didnt tell me, they just kept telling me to call the dog warden.

I was overwhelmed with damage Perna, I was walking animals and tending to this pony and walking my daughters horse that was a big animal and I ruined my feet with planters facietus and I could not walk anymore. I got up out of bed and crawled to the bathroom at night. And I STILL HAD TO FIND A WAY TO KEEP WALKING THE DAMAGED ANIMALS. Walking and walking in a sand ring and praying the horse didn't catch a glimpse of their dog because he would just go wild and real and I was not strong enough to contain that fear. So I walked him in fear every single day, day after day. 45 minutes is long time to walk like that, and you can't drug the horse, he has to walk normal and then he was stuck back in the stall, so he came out very fresh, I could bearly keep up with his huge step. I didn't know I was damaging my feet so badly.

After I lost my special pony and still finding out damage, I didn't sleep, couldn't walk and had no time to grieve. I wanted to die Perna, I couldn't take it anymore, it was too much. And my daughter kept crying because her horse was so damaged and She asked me if God was punishing us. I felt it myself but I told her NO, he is here to help us get through this.
And as Prayed he didn't answer and I was so tired Perna, and I couldn't get up anymore. I wanted to die, I was in shock and I ended up in the phsyward and that was terrible. I should have never been sent there. They wouldnt let me get rest and my room was so cold and they kept opening my door every 15 minutes startling me and I had to try to get rest every 15 minutes. I begged for grief couceling and they never gave it to me. And the people in that lock down were so strange and I had a young man following me that told me he was Jesus Christ and he would save me. You don't understand how bad it all was. I would stand at my window wondering what hell I was in now. And every time I drive to see my therapist I have to pass that same hospital, and I can see myself standing in that window in that cold room, the room everyone knew the heat didn't work.

Perna, I have not had any time off in over 4 years now and I am very tired. And that man still trespasses. Even my own little pleasure horse for myself was damaged and I never had enough money for him to be looked at. And I had another horse that was a wonderful investment horse and he was so hard to find, I got so lucky and he was damaged too and I spent months having him in a therapy program and taking him back and forth to the veterinary hospital to see his progress. And they did see the damage in an MRI. That was a long drive every two weeks.
And he finally got better enough to sell and did go to a good owner, oh he was beautiful Perna, very loving. And I paid some of the expense down but something told me to keep some of it. And I was glad I did because my husband had been through all this too and he had to bury that pony and he finally shut down and couldn't get out of bed or work or anything.
So I kept paying the bills with that money until it ran out. Finally after sleeping day and night my husband got up and went back to working.

But Perna, I never got a break and I was traumatized by the psychward too and it was terrible. I have not been able to grieve and I am trying to do the best I can.

I can't even wrap my brain around all this Perna. And now I am dealing with an aging attorney and flashbacks that I don't understand and this thing called PTSD that I don't understand either. I went to the first part of my deposition and I will never forget the opposing attorney asking me who got damaged the worst. I wasn't expecting that question and I looked down at a diagram I had drawn and I was trapped in a flashback and it was bad Perna I saw them all and I could not speak. I can't talk in a flashback its kinda like a stroke. Thankfully they ended the depostion but I know I still have to answer that question and I really don't have that answer. For 395 days and counting I have been left with that question in my head. My brain doesn't want to go there anymore Perna. I am trying but it draws this terrible black mass over my brain and I can't push through it.I don't understand why this happens, it just does. My brain doesn't want to go there anymore I guess. All the things I used to do, I cant seem to do, I cant get to it my brain is strange now, I don't know what it means. Sometimes my brain throbs and it scares me.

Last year I blew up at my daughter in Rage. I was not in control at all.
I felt possesed and I have learned what that was, "white out" they call it.
Perna, the anger just takes over and you don't know what happens its,
very scary. This is a part of bad PTSD that people don't understand, its really a terrible disorder or whatever it is. And I know that if I am pushed too hard it can come out, the anger just erupts in me. It is so hard to explain to people who don't have it.

I manage to work some, but I am really struggling and trying to understand this disorder. I can't even tell you how much PC has helped me because it seems to ground me. I don't know how to keep going psychologically. It is hard because I cant be angry, but I am angry and then I am crying and I can't stop or I am riddled with horrible anxiety that is very painful, or I am completely exhausted. And I never know what my mood is going to be. So I don't go near people socially. I am embarrassed by this and it is not me at all. I try to be quiet and I like to be alone.
I was never like this, I was always so social and outgoing.

I was getting to feeling better and starting to even laugh and I could be the person I used to be here at PC. I helped a lot of children and I missed that, but I seemed to be able to tap into that part of me here. And it helped me think about things other than myself. It helped me to be patient and I know there were walls of words but I just needed to think in steps one thought in front of the other. Something I could do instead of being outside PC still seeing the damage and my table is full of bills and I have to be careful of being overwhelmed. I think it is because I am already overwhelmed and just trying to maintain somehow.

And I didn't realize I somehow had all that stress in me from that little girl. I honestly didn't know I had somehow hung onto that. I suffered for a long time then too. I don't know why that just came out, I honestly dont. And I also struggled in my marriage with alcoholism and that was bad too. But I hung in there and was pretty much on my own with that too.

All I know is I never expected to have to experience so much loss and trauma and this ongoing process of having to remember it. And also that not knowing of an end or a closure. The trap is very similar to many years ago. I just didn't know that had happened in my brain and even my body. It is very troubling how that can be triggered. I have barracaded my boundaries with my neighbor as best as I can. I baracaded my bedroom door too as best as I could when I was so little with a very troubling presense on the other side of that bacacade.

People who talk about giving up dont understand what that means. I see avoice agreed with my first post. She knows what I mean, I understand when she says never giving in, I know what she is saying. My brain deserves closure, it doesn't deserve this systematic trauma. Being a little girl hiding behind a door or up trees is not the answer, that was running, giving in. It was never closure, I see that now.

Open Eyes