I have a friend about my age who has cancer. She is single and has never gotten married, she's never had a professional job and she has never finished the degree she's been working on for many years. She told me something someone said to her the other day- the person said "you have really lived." She agreed, she felt she has really lived. She said she doesn't have any regrets. Even though I think I want the things I listed in my life, my friend is my role model for a good life. When I think of a meaningful life, the picture that comes to my mind is her small apartment. Having someone my age possibly about to die makes me more aware I may not have forever. I want to be like her in many ways, especially I want to be able to experience the end of my life, if I have the opportunity to know it is coming, the way she is doing it, which is appreciating and enjoying what she can in the time she has. I think about it as I spend time in therapy. I have to be ready at any moment to let go of my hopes for the future; the things I hoped to achieve in therapy. I wouldn't be happy to do it, but it would be better to accept and appreciate what I have than to fight it emotionally more than I can help it. It's a heck of a lot easier to write this now than to think about it when I'm with her. Anyway, thinking of needing to be ready for that at any moment lets me appreciate the life experience I've had a little more, even though what I've accomplished in life so far is not what most people aspire to. I'm behind for my age in the getting married department, and too late for having kids. It isn't always easy to balance the desire to grow with the desire to appreciate the moment. I guess from PC I'm learning how to take my time and not rush therapy too much. Well, at least for the moment I'm doing better with that.

I think I'm probably preaching to the choir and that you understand this more meaningfully than I do ygrec. You seem deeply intelligent and caring.