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Parts of this are very likely triggering, therefore icon.
I'm on a mood stabilizer. In the past, been on ADs alone (mis-dx'd by GP w/ disasterous results). One of them was not particularly problematic (as least so far as I can recall in the blur of that time). It was the last one I took myself off of.
Now recent timeframe. On Lamictal (3 yrs). Psych had me up to 400mg. Over last 1 1/2 months, I (w/o authorization, but did admit in the midst of doing so) tapered it down to 200mg, w/o negative effect. Been trolling the bottom of the mood chart for sooo long at either dose, it doesn't matter, so why take more, you know? A couple of times, much prior to this, I'd asked her about adding on AD, but she said no. (Guesses as to why: past AD experience and hoping mood stabilizer dosage adjustment would do the trick.)
A few weeks back, I finally got pretty honest admitting how bad it is. And it shook her up pretty badly. I'm going to ask again next week because I am so desperate - it's come to the point of being tempted to take BF's leftover ADs (one I've never been on, so it'd be a total crapshoot, not to mention knowing it is totally wrong, so I won't, but...). I'm afraid that in asking again she will say no again, but this time out of fear that if I come up, I will have energy to act. I don't think I would. I just really need to be able to deal and function. I've given up hope of ever being able to do so again.
I'll ask her again (and admit the previously-unmentioned temptations on the leftovers) and just flat out ask her reasoning this time. I know this sounds ****** up, but I will only let her say why and if she doesn't say the reason I think it is, I won't mention it for fear of putting it in her mind. Like it wouldn't be already, right? Not sure what I hope to accomplish with this long-winded post, guess it's just wondering if others have had this kind of thinking or experience with psychs actually verbalizing such reasoning for saying no.
Hope this post isn't too weird.
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