T called me and we talked for about 15 mins. Let me backtrack and say that I called her and left a message a couple hours before. In the message I said that I was confused because I thought we were had resolved this issue, and that I was having a hard time coping with the emotions that got brought up. I reminded her that we had talked about "negotiating our terms" and that we never did that, but I didn't bring it up because I don't like talking about it.
I told her that I need to know that she won't unilaterally end therapy with me, and that if I don't have that I cannot trust her. I said that if I could get that agreement from her then I would agree to not unilaterally end therapy too.

So. She called me and thanked me for my message. She apologized for the way she brought this up today, and the timing of it. She still says that we have to set an end date, but she also apologized for not following through with our "negotiation." She said she looked back in my chart and saw that and said she just forgot and that was more therapy interfering behavior on her part.

I told her some of how I feel, that intellectually I can hear and understand and agree with most if not all of what she is saying, but at the same time there is this part of me that is that sad, scared little girl who is afraid and who experiences this as more rejection and more abandonment.

She said she has different feelings about it, too. She that as a person she wants to help me forever, that she wants to pick up that scared little girl and hold her and tell her that it will be okay. And that as a DBT therapist, she has a protocol that is proven to work and so she wants to follow that protocol because that's the best way to help me.

She also said that part of her is scared **itless to send me out in the world on my own, but that she won't do that until I'm ready.

Sooooo....we have to set an end date, which I hate and which I actually disagree with, but I told her I won't argue that with her because it's not up to me. What IS up to me is working hard in the time I have left with T, in really really working on the skills, and in making a good argument for that end date not being anytime soon.

I feel better. I don't really feel OKAY, I feel hurt and shaken and wounded, but I feel a little better. I do know that T isn't doing this to hurt me, she's doing it because she thinks it's the best way to help. I have to accept that. T is my T, not my friend, not my family, and not someone who will always be in my life. I don't like it and I don't agree with it, and I have to accept it.