got to see my T today. We worked out some financial things, he straightened out my problems with billing and explained how things worked which were contrary to what the lady in billing told me. He told me not to even ever talk to them again. To go straight through him and he would make sure that if I need to get in on the spur of the moment and don't have the cash that he would still get me the discount. God I hate begging. Sigh. But it is a load off my mind.

We talked a lot about self-injury today. He believes that there is an addiction quality. But assured me that any addiction is beatable and that we need to look closely at the dynamics of self-injury cycle. So we worked the steps of the cycle backwards from injury to when the cycle begins trying to assess when intervention may be most successful. He made me realize that the whole thing starts way earlier then I thought. The beginning is that slight not right feeling that I try to ignore because it could be anything, lack of sleep or hunger to mild anxiety about something that is happening during the day. It isn't a feeling that I am totally aware of or should I say it is just so easily ignored because it is so subtle. He suggested that I start assuming that it is the beginning of the cycle. That was when I needed to start taking action to occupy my mind. I didn't tell him that if that is the case I am going to have no free time because I will be spending all my time doing stuff to keep my mind and hands busy.

We also worked out when I get to the shut down stage, the no going back stage and what the indication of that was. When things get bad, and I get dangerous (not the minor little pokes and jabs but the really dangerous times when more damage is done) I stop talking here, with you. I close down and shut up. He wants me to try to keep talking. He sensed the safety that I feel here and that I am more like to be able to speak to you all then I can even to him. So for the first time since I started coming here he actually encouraged me to keep it up. He was a bit against my using the internet for human contact because of what happened before I started coming here so it was a bit of a shock to hear him actually condoning my participation in this group. But that means talking about the visions in my head when I am spiraling down and I just don't think I can do that.

Finally, and most exhausting he got me to admit that I don't want to get better. That part of me refuses to get better. Then the (enter long line of cuss words here) session came to an end and now I am stuck with that. Why doesn't that part of me want to get better? Why do I like to hurt so much, crave to hurt so much? Is it because it holds my attention? Is it because that little girl who was ignored by her parents, beaten by her siblings and raped by her neighbor just doesn't want to take the chance that I will forget? How do I fix this. I do want to be happy but she can't take the chance.

I am so tired.

On the brightside I got the stripes laid out on my daughter's walls. I started taping but stopped because I needed to tell you all this stuff before the kids got home. I need to get more painter's tape anyway and more pop. It just doesn't feel right doing home improvements without pop.

What a big day.
Carrie