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okay she's doing it again.. she posted this :
"if anyone even dares to get in contact with anyone on my team... well it will be one sure way to both lose my trust and friendship no matter how close we may be.
no one can do anything. they keep saying "well I'm not giving up on you and as long as I am working I wont ever" they cant do anything though... its like trying to pump up a flat bike tire when it has a hole in it - useless and a waste of bloody time.
the vomitting is back. it was horrible. and so was the endless tears lastnight/ early this morning. there just seems to be no fight left in me.
I begged T to give me back my meds today. deep down I knew I wouldnt get them but I ****ing need them. they are mine. mine mine MINE!!!!! its not like I'm gona use them to kill myself? that would be just stupid! and like thats what the trains are there for!!!
before group started tonight a few people were talking about some stuff that really triggered me. it was a subject matter that should never have been brought up and its just made me wana kill myself even more cuz i just know it will work and no one, no one can stop me!!! and add in an o/d before hand.... my body wont be able to cope and revive itself. I can taste the freedom. its getting so close and I can taste freedom for the first time in my life and its bloody amazing
I spent so long working on something for T last night/early this morning (I couldnt sleep so thought I may as well do something productive!!) its getting there slowly and i probably wont be able to sleep tonight so gona do some more work on it soon and hopefully get it finished. then just gota find the address and send it off to her. wait a few days until I know she has received it and watched it. and then leave before her or the supervisors can do anything to stop me. they have already called the ambos and cops on me once each since 2005 and lets not go for a 3rd! and why do i want to wait til i know she has seen it? cuz i want the opportunity to really say goodbye to her and know that she knows she has done nothing at all wrong and me leaving is just what needs to happen.
i think my butterfly has really pushed me over the edge. i was meant to meet her in december but now she isnt even coming over to oz. but thats ok. it will all be ok in the end.
N is really pissing me off. trying to get me to keep living each fortnight and all cuz i tell her she should watch certain movies and then when she does she wants to talk to me about it. i dont think i can wait another fortnight though i really dont.
me writing. talking. kinda freaking me out. its not in a scary way but more that 'wow' ive finally made a descision and i am sticking to this. there wont be any going back.
i gota see pdoc tomorrow though so on comes the fake mask cuz i cant have her putting me in hospital i cant. i have my 'babies' to look after
sorry. so sorry.
i will see pdoc tomorrow and see what comes out of it i guess?
i kinda really suck at lying so who knows... the 2% of me that doesnt wana die may speak up?
who knows anymore?
who knows what will happen!!"
how am i meant to respond to that? and how the **** do i know if she's for real or if she just wants attention.. i hate sounding harsh but it feels like she just does this and sends msgs to worry me just for the attention.
but if i don't help her and she is really going to do it then it will be my fault.
i can't handle this right now.. not on top of everything else...
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