As before, I'm humbled, honored, amazed at your responses.

Whew!

This has been a tough couple of days....

Anne, your comments hit so many chords for me. I agree that I don't want to back off completely, and I am so happy to see that a lot of my coping strategies, both from "back when" and from now, ie ...deciding to "set things aside sometimes" and finding ways to get through the times outside therapy, and then using the time outside to re-orient myself so that I CAN go back, are all instinctive ways to get THROUGH and not just AROUND this thing.

I also agree that sometimes hearing someone else (T) say how scary things look can actually be triggering in and of itself. I think that it's both validating and also re-frightening somehow to hear T say...gosh, I'm really struck by how intense and frightening your father looks, and how terrified your brother looks in this picture. I did not think T would necessarily be able (ha!) to pick this up and comment on it. I think that on some level, my family's secrets seemed like secrets to me, in part because I was keeping them secret, but there they are...on film. It's kind of ironic. I don't think T is necessarily that intuitive (ha!) but could definitely pick it up. I mean, I was just too close to it all at the time. Great stuff to reflect on, Anne, in the tranquility of the moment. But when sitting there? Not so much.

I am hoping that I can continue to build a relationship with T that includes offering signals when things are just too overwhelming, making my needs clearer in the moment instead of shutting down or getting defensive, angry or going into "I don't need yer help, no way no how" mode..and I hope that I can keep finding ways to calm myself after the fact.

Those are some of the things I'm wishing for. I'm starting to learn what works! Great joy in finding these strategies...healthy things like a hot soak, a walk with my remarkable dog, and since I live in a stunning place, walks in nature. Years ago, I woulda done drugs, found a numbskull partner, tried to solve other people's intractable problems (without their consent, mostly). So...progress...

anyway, I'm feeling better today, but Tuesday night was touch and go. Really scary and sad. I felt like I was staring into an abyss...and you know what? I was...but I didn't slip in, or if I did, only for a brief visit. Whew!

I hope to keep on,and with everyone's help, grow my way into the kind of wisdom that I get to read about every day in PC

Blessings,

MCL