Gee I thought that part of me that liked being sick was unique to my personal warped being. Guess not. I remember going to therapist and admitting there was a part of me that was shrieking that she did not like all the changes, she did want to give up her behaviors and she would do anything to stay sick. For me the underlying issue is abandonment -- everyone I trusted, everyone I loved (except my dh, and even he had a tour of duty in miltary that I couldn't go with!) has left me. Even writing this is traumatic. I am so afraid that I will do or say something and be abandoned again. I have tried and tried and I still go into therapy scared she will tell me I am done or she is done with me. Any time I have had a real breakthrough like this or like what you experienced I am so tired afterwards and wound up at the same time. Ususally I go for a nice long walk, somehow that reintergrates my mind and body and I am ready to finish off the day and sleep like I have been poleaxed. The painting project sounds like a good ideal too -- and being creative should occupy more than just your body.