Im so sorry to hear about your mum Red. I lost my mum too, but not to cancer, my mum died suddenly and though my grandad and an aunt have died of cancer and my gran of another illness, inever had to watch it close up or take care of anyone, so I dont know how that feels, I cant even guess as I have never really seen cancer at work.

What I do relate to in your post is your not being able to cry. Both my sister and myself couldnt cry after my mums funeral, we were too sad to cry, and everyone else bawling kind of disturbed us, we were very young at the time. I remember my sister saying that she felt that if she were to start crying, she would never be able to stop.

Maybe this is how you feel. I still dont cry very much years on about anything, and I have a need to get it all out and feel some relief and be able to show what I am going through and experiance it myself, instead of being numb and frozen.

But for you, you have had to be so strong for so long and keep all your feelings so locked up in order to be the care giver it must be doubly hard.

maybe let it out in little bits. Writing your post was a step in letting yourself grieve.

And you sound like such an amzing person reading your post, your mum must be so proud of you, whatever you do now in life, you can always say that you were there for your mum when she needed it the most, and thats such a huge thing in life, all religion teaches us to honour our mothers after all, you did that.

All I can say is hold on in there, through your darkest days, it will get better, and at least she isnt fighting her cancer now.

you take care.

((((((RED))))))