Therapy today was so hard.

I had a panic attack in the car on the way there. I've had a few panic attacks this week (after not having any at all for a while), ever since I was triggered early in the week.

I was driving and I thought "it feels like my throat is closing up" and WHAM, panic attack started. I tried to be grounded, listen to the radio, breathe, etc...and I thought I was through it...but when I got to T's office I was still kind of on the edge of it. I told him, and tried to talk about something light (an upcoming trip for my son) just to get grounded and distract myself.

We talked some about how I was feeling...scared that if I talk about the scary triggery things I'll just explode, and scared that if I don't, the panic attacks will keep coming.

T said something, very gently, about an e-mail I had sent earlier in the week after I was triggered. He told me he was going to talk about it and said he was going to be careful and that I could tell him to stop if it got to be to much.

So. He was talking and I was listening and things were okay and then he said ONE word and reality disappeared. I think I might have got up and ran towards the door and then come back to the couch I can remember T talking to me to help me get grounded...he said "stay here, stay here, stay here" but I don't know if he meant in the room or not getting lost in my head or what. I don't know how much time went by. It was seriously. awful. Like horrible, horrible, horrible.

I did get semi-grounded and I know I told him some of the story. I could hear my voice talking, really flat, but I actually have no idea what I said now. Which is kind of disconcerting, because it's THE STORY. Ugh.

I asked T to sit with me. I was cold and he covered me up with a blanket. I held his hand and tried to feel safe, but I didn't really...not because of T, but because I kept getting waves of body memories.

We talked about some spiritual stuff. I guess that was good. Although I only remember that we talked about the stuff, I don't remember many of the details.

T left me a message and something was wrong with his phone and it's completely indecipherable. COMPLETELY. I called and asked if he could leave it again, but I doubt he'll check his messages again today. So, I just have to sit in this place. Which is fine, I'll be okay, but I'm so USED to having the reassurance/closure/safety/connection from the messages and not knowing if/when he'll call back kind of sucks.

I don't know. I don't know if what I wrote even makes sense, but I just wanted to feel connected and heard/seen, so here I am.

I hate how hard this is. The waves of panic/body memories are almost unbearable. A friend of mine was sad about something recently, and he said to me, "well, feel it now or feel it later". I completely dissociated when the abuse was happening. I guess this is the "feel it later".