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Oct 21, 2011, 10:35 PM
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael the Great
I spend most of my life pretending to be real. Have real emotions, depth, empathy, care. To be, feel something that I can't even begin to understand. I can't, anymore, identify which experiences are real and which are part of the facade. Can I truly care about someone, even myself, on any level at all? Can I have any depth in my life? Or are all my efforts just a series of fleeting stimulations to fill this wretched, mundane existence?
If I can't, which I know I can't, then is it wrong of me to pretend that I can? For all these years, I've convinced myself and everyone significantly close to me that I am a semi-decent human being for at least making the attempt to give a care and conform to this world according to its laws and principles. But my attempts are empty; they always have been. The real me, what little of me is real, is at odds with society. I'm trying to be and achieve something that I can't. Therefore, I'm not really "good." That's just me pretending to be a "good" person by admitting that I'm a "bad" person who is trying to change. But I can't change. I'm just pretending again, because that's all I can do. It's all I'm capable of doing. The only difference is, this time, I'm fooling even myself.
And what about those who are close to me? Does it matter to them that I can't love them, not truly? What does it even mean to give real love? If they're happy in their world, does it matter that it isn't real?
And what about me? If pretending is the only thing of which I'm capable and that isn't enough for them, then where does that leave me? "Real" is a goal which I desire but do not understand and am not capable of achieving. Does that mean I give up? Allow the facade to slip and become a social pariah? Or slip the facade back on and, with a joyless smile, say, "... to hell with everybody else."
But I don't want to delude myself into believing that I am a good person. I would like to know if what I do is enough, or if it inevitably harms those around me. Then I can choose.
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You know Micheal, anyone here could write all of what your saying here.
How many here at PC alone wonder about being capable. "Real" is a goal that all hope to achieve and desire and like you don't understand. Do you think that me with all my bottomless empathetic ways is oh so much better off?
I struggle too and I also have those that present me as a social pariah of some kind. So just because you may have a lack, well, maybe I have a lack too. I often have my emotions get in my way. I was thinking about you, and I think, well, at least he isn't crying his eyes out or feeling such a loss of somethings I really loved.
Do you really think even men with all the emotions in the world make the best husbands? There are plenty of women that are unhappy. Maybe the fact that your very intelligent and can intellectually learn how to care for a woman, perhaps that is all your wife needs. And some guy tells her to run, well whos to say she doesn't end up with some man that has emotions and yet he mistreats her. If you don't mistreat her and you provide for her and she is safe, do you have to feel depth to that?
Obviously there is something about her that you want in your life. As long as you don't have any intentions of harming her and you can control yourself and respect her, whats wrong with that?
I know that you may wonder if you can do this thing called life in a normal way, but your not alone in that. Your certainly not stupid and you do say that you know right from wrong, so if you use your intelligence to keep yourself on the straight and narrow so to speak whats wrong with that?
Your not the only person that has your issue, but perhaps you can use your intelligence to over ride what ever is lacking. Every human being has something lacking and we all compromise. And you don't have to be a psychopath to have people pick on you. You see thats what most people don't understand, we all get picked on one way or the other.
Open Eyes
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