Thanks for the input, Hankster, Gulas & Perna!

"The responding if attacked - well, sometimes walking away might be a better choice, why let the other person get a reaction from you just because they're an idiot?"

I used to be the kind of person (when I was very young) that I would be avoidant or just walk away... but over time, I've become very angry about being pushed around by arseholes. I know it's probably what I should do... but pride tends to prevail. Ugh. I agree about the consenting adult thing - which is why their idea of "morality" confuses me. I'm not about to rape anyone or attack anyone (unprovoked), so I don't understand why I should feel I did anything wrong...

"It sounds like this has to do with denial and not any issues with morality."

A very good point... I can't exactly deny that I'm in denial. LOL I guess I'm just impatient for the positive results of not using/drinking... I'll definitely stick w/it. One thing my counselor told me was that the adventure of being sober is that there will be new things to experience - whereas, I know exactly where I'll end up if I keep using...

Insofar as regret, guilt & shame, it was always kind of my philosophy that these are useless emotions as they change nothing about what has already been done. Denial of feelings? Maybe. However, it's hard for me to sustain any feeling (other than anger) for a long period of time. I'm hoping the shrink can help me sort that one out...

"Why are you trying to recover? Sounds like your life is similar whether drunk/high or not? Or, why do you spend money to get drunk/high?"

To be honest, I'm quitting because I'm sick & tired of being sick & tired. I'm tired of being too incapacitated to do my own shopping, or make big decisions, or take care of personal business. I always pay my bills & show up for work on time. It's my personal life that suffers - friends, relationships, personal goals (losing weight, writing more music, renovating the house, etc.).

Or maybe I wanted to quit because it's something I've yet to experience (life on life's terms). And, yeah, I'd much rather be spending my money on music equipment than on drugs/alcohol...

Salmacis