I am lost. My cries for help have been turned down, pushed away, dismissed, or simply ignored.
When I very young, I tried to tell my mom about the feelings I now think I found a word for: depersonalization. She thought I was being a silly child and dismissed it. I have been depersonalizing for as long as I can even remember.
I have tried, a bit, to tell my parents about my problems with anxiety and depression. They say it's "Just a phase", but that, too, has been a nearly life-long problem.
When my best friend went to the school counselor about my cutting, they mostly ignored it, then went to the other counselor, who called my dad a few weeks later and told him that I self-harmed. My dad didn't take it seriously, not really. He told me not to. Took away the blades. He told me I did it because I am lazy and don't get enough exercise, he told me I liked the feeling of it just like he liked playing guitar.
-.- I mean, really?
My mom noticed that I was acting depressed and she told me I was "such a teenager" and I needed to do more chores around the house...
Today has been a horrible mess of blood and tears. My shin has cuts running up the side. My stomach is still bleeding. My wrist stings where the razor ran through the skin. This morning, I was very, very irritable for no real reason and I was extremely sad and pissed off at the same time. My parents were making out right in front of me and I found it not only extremely disgusting but it also made me really mad. I was digging my nails deeper and deeper into my skin and my father was saying gross stuff to my mom and I just needed it to stop. I called out to my mom and my voice came out very rough and gravely because I have been psychically for quite a while now. My parents started laughing at me and my mom asked what I had to whine about now and I got so upset I... well, I chucked a book at her. It wasn't hard or anything, but now I'm grounded. I am not supposed to be on the computer right now but I honestly don't care. My dad has been screaming at me all day. I have apologized countless times and I try to explain that I felt mistreated but my mom tells me that I should never disrespect her and that I did a horrible thing. Apparently the book scratched her and she had a small faded pink mark on her arm for a few minutes. My parents say they have to punish me every time I am depressed or angry so they can stop my bad behavior... this is coming from the mom who storms out of the house every other day and caused a huge mark in the wall when she threw a plate at me in frustration (and missed) and the father who used to choke me and still verbally abuses me! I only want to be forgiven so I can explain how I am feeling. I just want them to forget for at least a minute so I can talk to them. I want them to listen to me, but I only get punishment.
I have been feeling extremely suicidal and depressed for the past few days. Today I started crying for no apparent reason-- everything makes me want to cry-- and my mom yelled at me. She told me to suck it up, quit whining/complaining, and either make my self useful or stay in my room. Here I am, in my room.
I have been cutting cutting cutting cutting cutting cutting cutting cutting all day long. I have to limp because my leg hurts so much where I cut.