Dear abuser,

I was a very cute 7 year old. I think you must have thought so, too. But you were wrong, to take advantage of me in the swimming pool and put your hands in places that they didn't belong.

I wonder if you tell yourself that because you were just "touching" you didn't do anything wrong. I often feel that I don't have any right to complain, because it wasn't that bad compared to some person's hardships, and that I should accept that I was lucky the abuse didn't go farther.

Sometimes, when I am least expecting it, I can feel your hands again. When that happens, I become afraid. I feel indecent, like the ***** you told me I was, and I want to hide behind long sweaters and baggy pants and not say a word until nobody even knows I exist.

I did that for a long time. I hated myself. I blamed myself. I told myself that if I had been a better student you wouldn't have done it. I told myself that if I hadn't been such a bad person, a bad child, you wouldn't have done it. I told myself all kinds of lies to keep myself from admitting the truth. Something painful happened to me and no matter how much I thought about it, I couldn't go back and fix it. I couldn't explain it. Did you know that you caused me this much grief?

Shame on a swim instructor who takes advantage of his student far off in the corner where nobody's noticing.

(I don't hate you. I don't forgive you. I don't even want to think about you. I don't know your name, and I don't remember what your face looks like. I don't know if I was the only one or if there were others.

But I won't tell, because you and I both know nobody will believe me when I don't even remember what your name is.)

Now, I'm not going to let you win anymore, so after the grief is all cried out for one day, I put on a dress that makes me feel pretty and a smile and I walk out that door and into my life. I hope that you, too, have learned to be less insecure and lonely, so that you no longer feel the need to take advantage of someone to feel complete.