I don't know how to not fall quickly. When I like someone I just like them. I can't control it. We've been seeing each other since February so I falling for him is something I have already done.

He also changes his mind quite often. He worries a lot so he makes rash decisions about what he will do if something doesn't go his way, but he rarely follows through. I don't know if he's really going to leave. Tomorrow he could say something completely different. He's a nice guy, but I don't think he really knows what he wants out of life. There are a lot of signs that say to me he isn't ready for a relationship and I wish I could just turn off how I feel about him, but my feelings for him won't go away no matter what I tell myself. So I'm sort of stuck since I've never felt this way about anyone else before. I don't know what it is like to be in a relationship, not have it work out, and then meet someone else. I guess in a way I feel like that happens to other people and not me. Like this is my only chance. I know when I say that, it doesn't really make sense. But when you go though life without much attention from other people it feels like it will be like that forever.

My friends have never had any problems with getting dates or being in a relationship. I always feel like the odd duck. Out of everyone in my family and all my friends I'm always the one to not be able to have someone. I've had close friends that I have known for years assume that I'm a lesbian an just not telling anyone because I can't get a boyfriend. There always seems to be some other girl around that is prettier, more outgoing, and funnier than me. And then I'm always the girl that's a really good friend, but not the girlfriend.

Like I said I just excepted it for the most part. I guess I gave up pretty easily, figured that was my place in life, to be the friend not the girlfriend. Then I met J and now everything is a mess...in both a good and bad way. In a funny way I feel like someone is playing a practical cosmic joke on me. The other day I felt like someone had dropped an anvil on my head made by Acme and everyone else is laughing but me.