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Never ending... Too many abusive people in this world if you ask me...
This one is a big trigger post, you do not have to read... I just needed to get this one out. Don't read if you get triggered, I don't want anyone upset because of me!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((all my brave pc friends)))))))))))))))))))))))
Dear abuser...
I don't even know what to say to you. It's been almost 10 years.. This June will mark 10 years. Do you even remember? Do you even think about me on that day? It's taken me 10 years to get over what you did to me. I've been in and out of the hospital, I've hurt myself because I felt so terrible for what YOU did. You took something from me that was not yours to take.
I said no. I said no more times than I could count. But you acted as if it were consensual. I said no until I was blue in the face, I said no until my memory left me. I said no until the moment the void took over. The next thing I knew we were talking and it was all over. You pulled me to the side the next morning to talk. You acted as if you were sorry. You acted as if you didn't mean to hurt me. But you couldn't force yourself to admit that you hurt me. I thought it had stopped. I thought you didn't go further because I said no. I had no clue what really happened. The words still ring in my head today "You do remember what happened last night right?". I thought I did but no I did not! I did not know you went too far! I thought you stopped! I wish you stopped! But the blood was there. The evidence was in front of my eyes but I just couldn't accept it.
As I look back, I remember watching you. I remember watching you laugh as I was made to clean up my own blood not knowing where it came from. I watched as you made fun of me to all of your friends. I watched as you gave me a nickname that would forever remind me of that horrid night.
There were 6 hours that night that I can not recall. Did you know that I would not remember? How could you joke, how could you laugh at what you did to me? How could you take what was not yours and do with it what you pleased?
I still to this day have difficulty with what was done. The blood... The jokes... The things that I CAN remember... I wonder if I will ever get my memory back from that night. It's unfortunate that I do not know your real name. I guess it's better that way. If I had a name to the face that I hated, you would take from me again, my refusal to hate someone. So I guess it's a good thing that I can not remember, for if I did I would hate you with every fiber of my being.
I can not forget the blood... I just can't get it out of my head. I see it as if it happened yesterday. Your sarcastic, deep laugh with your eyes fixed on me as I was on my knees cleaning up my own blood. I didn't know it was my blood. I didn't know that I could lose that much without knowing it, I didn't know that blood could get in the places it got... My most vivid memory in life is the memory of me cleaning up my own blood.
You are pathetic. You are useless. You are sick. You are twisted. You are angry. You are everything wrong with the world. It all rests inside of your soul. You have darkness seeping through your veins.
You are a monster and I was your victim. I will forever be haunted by your memories. You do not deserve this. You do not deserve so much of my mind, so much of my thoughts. You did not deserve what you took from me. You did not deserve my kindness and you do not deserve my forgiveness. But I deserve it. I deserve the forgiveness so I can move on with my life. I just wish I knew how to forgive something like you!
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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