I can understand wanting to know why you were behaving in that hurtful way towards yourself. Unfortunately, no one here at PC has the ability to diagnose anyone for anything. We can only support you and help you find "your way" to get the answers you are looking for.

I imagine what happened could be unnerving to you, scary even. It's much less scary when we can get answers from the professionals with direction in how to help ourselves change behaviors that are harmful to us. I hope you can find your answers very soon!