JD, I am really trying to not let the PTSD gain control, as you know it can be a challenge and before we know it, we just sink. I am trying very hard not to fall into catastrophizing
I try to think in this and that rather than oh no. I am thankful that at least I know the pitfalls of PTSD and I can make a conscious effort to work through it, but as you know it can be very hard. And with everything I have been dealing with, getting treatment has been challenging and I am not sure my therapist is all that great but at least he has experience with PTSD and treating it to a certain extent. He is not always on track with my reality as I first posted here with the question. He was describing how CSA prevents children from learning how to deal with preditors and identifying them, I can identify them way before the regular person, and ususally have to suffer and wait before others finally see it. So his comment doesn't fit with all victims of CSA. I had asked because when he told me that I was really surprised, however I have seen some members that get stuck in abuse and seem to just service it in fear. Now, I am stuck in abuse, I am trying not to service it, but it has been very hard, and I feel like I am stuck servicing it.
I think that is why my past fears and emotions come into play, because it is so much like being stuck with a preditor that had issues himself when I was small. I seem to have the same feelings of on the one hand feeling sorry for the aging attorney and yet on the other hand needing to stand up and break free, not really knowing how to do it or finding a strong presense to step forward for me. That has been the story of my life, I have had to do the standing and fighting, always looking for that person that was strong and could just help me out or take over. It is so odd that I would have this attorney and this whole scenerio. I was going to act until a deposition was set, I just want to get that done as it is the last thing needing to get done in the opposing sides discovery. I was not expecting two more cancellations, as I said now from the opposing side.

Rose thank you for seeing where I am coming from. It is in my best interest to hang in there as I have already been in it for over 4 years now. If I just give up and walk I will still be left with a huge amount of debt and crippled animals etc. I really think that I need to find closure. In my past I noticed that I went the path of forgiving and not really having closure, that didn't work, it stuck in my brain to haunt me without me realizing it.
Perhaps the brain really needs closure or it wanders in fear unconsciously. I really had not realized it until I had all this happen and all the past came forward in flashbacks and anxiety. I noticed that being hospitalized with emergency surgery didn't come forward to upset me, and then I realized that I had closure with that so my brain was settled I guess. So as I am really looking at my past and what comes forward in flashbacks and anger, it is all that I had no real closure for that haunts me, even though I thought I had coped and overcome it.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I realize that no one can really step in and change my struggles. But it sure is nice to have people that talk to me and understand and agree that I am struggling and what I am struggling with is not right. I think for PTSD victims that is really important, support and hearing others say, yes thats bad your right, how about this, be strong. Just knowing I am not alone helps because so many times in my past, I was alone.

As far as being nice to my neighbor is concerned, well in my past in CSA, that is exactly what I did in fear of my abuser, be nice and just take it. So, I don't think that is a good route to go. And I was nice to them, it didn't work, it really didn't, the only thing they are going to understand is if I stand up to them and show them they cannot manipulate me. Other wise it turns into, "Oh, Open Eyes is a push over if you just keep at it she will give in". No, cant do that, that is an open door for abuse.

And I truely recognize that being denied the truth is very harmful. Like in the psychward, and the therapist who just thought I was off my rocker, when in reality, I was telling the truth. That is what bothers me, when people don't believe me and instead say I have some kind of psychological issue.
I guess the years of my husband telling me that he didn't have a problem and it was all in my head and I better go and see a therapist, stuck in a bad way. I have anger that is locked away and now I do not want to have people get away with not believing me. It is a big pet peeve but a big part of the PTSD too.

Open Eyes