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.... it is not like things were not going right. They are. But yesterday it somehow hit me. I am in those deep deep places again, somehow removed from the world...
Yesterday it was "sad, but alright"... today I am starting feeling it is NOT alright... here I am thinking, it gets better, but it does NOT. I will always feel like this. I will always have these moments.
There are times when I can take "it" more easily. I can be down, but still have faith in humanity and that there is sense in this all. At the moment I don't. I don't know what am I doing and whom am I doing it for... and as I watch the news, or simply observe people around me... I get the "I don't wanna live in this world anymore" feeling... because everything seems wrong... so maybe I am just disturbed. Who knows.
I just don't know. I guess all I can do is sit with it and try to find my serene again.
And then... go again, find something to pass the tedious days between now and death. Call it a purpose and make myself believe it is so... eventhough I don't feel anything makes much sense now. Maybe deities created us to watch us as reality show and even they are bored of the trainwreck show right now.
If only I knew this all is for something, that I will matter, that I will make a difference, that there is a purpose. Would be easier. It would still be painful, but it would feel somehow different.
right now... I am not sure about anything. At all.
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Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE
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