YES.

I saw him twice a week for years because a WEEK felt like a "break". So we ended up having a "reconnecting" session and a "work" session (although the reconnecting was work too!). It wasn't all nice and neat like that, but that's how it usually worked out.

It's a lot easier for me to hold onto the connection with T now, but earlier in therapy, when there would be a break - if he was on vacation, or I was - I always wanted to just not go back. The first part of the break would feel so hard, because I missed him, and then a switch would flip and I would feel disconnected and want to stay that way so I wouldn't have to feel the pain of disconnection again. And there was fear too - like you were saying - what if T doesn't like me anymore, what if it feels different, what if, what if, what if?

I've had lots of sessions after breaks that felt like a "waste"...because I would just sit there and feel disconnected and weird. But in the end, they weren't a waste, because they were what reconnected me to T enough to go in for my NEXT session and keep moving forward.

The good news is, it's way better now. All of those absences/reconnections must have finally created some new neural pathways that allow me to believe that I can be separated from someone I'm attached to and they will come back and be the same person they were when they left. It took time.

You said it shouldn't be a big deal...but it just IS a big deal. Therapy is hard, trust is hard, connecting is hard, and they're all important, and all Big Deals. It really is okay to feel just how you feel. It won't feel like this forever.