I just added something to the thread about "you know you're borderline" and I want to post a more detailed reason why I posted my latest thing that went:

"when you nitpick to find something a little wrong with something that might be very right."

Well, anyway, I just divorced my husband and then tried to not glom onto a new friend.

When I stopped seeing my new friend, a man that I had been obsessing on (one of the reasons I ended up on PC) sort of came back to me when I watched a movie "Into Thin Air", about mountain climbing.

Anatoli Boukreev, that Russian climber had been on my mind nonstop back in October 2008 to about May 2009.

As a borderline, I am very dependent on strong personalities and Anatoli's personality appeals to me, as well as his strong voice, accent, and attitude.

I am also intimidated by him (the dark side of the coin) and want to push him away.

He has strong commanding ways; he was a coach as well as a climber.

Now he is on my mind again, 24/7 and I even "go places" in the fantasy. My mentor says that he senses me completely leaving him when I do.

I have always used fantasy to escape my life.

But the only fantasy I know is being around someone who is very intimidating as well as strong and sure.

So this fantasy can also serve to harm me if I don't use it right.

My struggle in my borderline today is pushing away someone helpful that might inspire me in a good way and at the same time I need to protect myself from the darker aspects of this fantasy.

I don't want to lose myself in this man again!

but I still fall for him because there is something I get out of him, too.

Billi