Anika,
I feel for you. Abuse leaves a horrible aftermath. Be very gentle on yourself and reflect on the fact that at the very least you are not recreating abuse (are not addicted to being abused), and that alone is a mighty accomplishment! I have a problem with recreating it and apparently it is very hard to overcome, so I congratulate you on having built a life for yourself where you do not subject yourself to more trauma from other people.